Anti-terror training for cats
In response to an earlier comment regarding the training of my cats in anti-terrorism techniques I'm afraid I have to report that this has not gone as well as anticipated. It was thought that with the incredible smell and sound sense of cats, combined with fabulous night vision and incredible reflexes and agility the felines would make perfect counter-terrorism operatives.
This has not proved to be the case. One of the primary obstacles the SAS (Scottish Animal Squad) trainers ran into was the fact that the average domestic mog will happily snooze for up to 18 hours a day. Even when awake and alert the test cats only became interested in the target if the terrorist was dressed up as either a giant mouse or else had a ball of wool hanging from their person. While this latter may be of some use in attacking Al Queda's Knitting Brigade or the Crotchet Martyrs it is unlikely to be so useful generally.
The other main problem was that the cats were more likely to jump up on the terrorists and demand to have their tummies tickled. While this may distract the mad suicide bomber for a time, it was not seen as a viable, long term programme. The cat anti-terror squad has therefore been cancelled since it seems the felines perform a much better service in keeping citizens relaxed by purring on them and eating their fish. Tests on hedgehog assassins will, however, continue, as will funding for the special Penguin unit.
The big black thing with the big, big eyes sits behind me on the dinning room table as I type. Correction, I spoke too soon. He has popped off and off course has some sort of demand to make. Ah yes, it's the old, 'come and open this door' ploy. How could a terrorist ever get anything done with one of these things around? Was that factor not factored in in the tests?
ReplyDeleteAnd then there's what could be called mild depreviation. This is where said moggie will stir from his sleep and come looking for food. By looking, I don't mean going to his bowl and finding it there ready for him. Oh, no, I mean jumping up on someone and head butting his/her hands in an attention grabbing kind of way.
Just think what that would do for a suicide bomber's trigger ichy plans.
Me thinks the tsts have being incomplete!
Not surprised - there's already been attempts in an alternative universe for cat subterfuge. See "Girl Genius: Agatha Heterodyne and the Monster Engine"... and I quote "...they're cats! They're Animals! They can't grasp complex concepts! Their attention span can be measured in microseconds! If I can even get them to understand what I want - they're completely gung-ho until they fall asleep or see something else move!"
ReplyDeleteP.S. Looking forward to taking advantage of your knowledge in FP... I hope Waterstones realise their mistake & offer you your job back, just so you can tell them where to stuff it!