Another overloaded day at work - far too much to do for the new month’s campaign and not enough booksellers. For this I got out of bed at 6.30 am on a wet and windy morning?



On the plus side however, Matthew came past (hiding from his exams? Er, I mean studying outside?) and we are making a fair bit of headway on the important matter of what cartoon alter-ego each member of staff has. I was hoping for Bugs Bunny (childhood role model) but fear secretly I have more in common with Sylvester the Cat (suffering succatash!). So far we have a Pink Panther, Chucky from Rug Rats, Penelope Pitstop, the Ant Hill Mob, a Power puff Girl, Elmer Food, Wile E. Coyote, Marvin the Martian and Pepe le Peu. Surrounded by the finest of world literature and the collected sum of all human knowledge, we discuss important matters, we booksellers.



We also had a visit from Iain Banks who is making a brave attempt to read all of the SF prize shortlist entries I had on display. I asked if he is working on a new SF novel and it transpires Iain is working on something even more important - a book on whisky. Normally he isn’t overly keen on research but he seems to be enjoying his research into uisge betha. Heading off to the Western Isles (home of the finest single malts in the history of humanity) he enlisted the willing aid of fellow local scribe Ken MacLeod as a native guide. We can only hope Iain is successful in persuading the publishers the book should be launched here in Edinburgh and not London - and that they remember to invite the local bookselling fraternity, naturally.

Caught Spike Lee’s new movie - or ‘joint’ as he insists on calling them (a word that has rather different connotations to me). 25th Hour was pretty damned fine - Edward Norton is a drug pusher who is going to jail the next day and spending his last 24 hours with his friends - or supposed friends - his girlfriend (or did she betray him to the Feds?), his father and exploring post 9-11 New York. A haunting opening is beautifully filmed - an opening sequence of the sort we’ve seen so many times before. A montage of the most filmed city on Earth which slowly and cleverly segues and shades from close-ups to panoramic shots… Except shining up from the skyline of Manhattan are the two ghostly pillars of light from Ground Zero; architectural phantoms linking earth to sky. Ground Zero itself is brought into Norton’s final tour of his home city in the most understated and subtle manner. Instead of hitting us with this gaping wound directly it is brought in from the side in a very simple sequence which resonated with power; it was hard not to feel very emotional. 25th Hour was as much a homage to his home city by Lee as it was a beautifully shot tale of life, trust, hope and the taking of responsibility for one’s actions. Excellent.



The lovely Kate at Titan sent me a copy of the latest Mike Mignola’s Hellboy title (thanks, Kate, you‘re lovely). This collection, BPRD (Bureau for Paranormal Research and Defence, Hellboy’s old employers) has some fine short stories which, in the big red guy’s absence, let the other characters have a chance to expand, such as the excellent Abe Sapien and Roger the Homunculus. How can you not love this stuff??? Check out the wonderful, mythical, Gothic world of Mike Mignola’s Hellboy before Ron Perlman struts his stuff in the movie adaptation. I’ve posted reviews of most of the collected editions on the Alien Online and the new BPRD review will be up once Uncle Ariel calms down from the (well-earned) high of his success in mortal combat with antiquated plumbing (well done that man, now settle down on your repaired throne with some good reading) - see his blog for the full, epic struggle.

After a few days of being unable to post on the Gazette I’m back and it feels good - thanks for sorting it out, Ariel.



Just reading this month’s issue of Stephen Hunt’s SF Crowsnest - an excellent online resource I’d recommend to anyone interested in SF&F (comes as a monthly digest with links to articles, so you can read what appeals to you only if you wish). Anyway, what is in there but Stephen discussing the same point I had made in a news article on the Alien Online last week: when is SF not SF? Answer: when the broadsheet newspapers review a novel set in a dystopian future where humans may become extinct by their own actions, but it is written by a Booker Prize winning ‘literary’ author.



For those who haven’t read either article, Stephen was talking about a lengthy review in the weekend papers of the excellent Canadian author Margaret Atwood’s new novel, Oryx and Crake, from Bloomsbury (publisher of Harry Potter and Neil Gaiman’s Coraline and forthcoming Wolves in the Walls, so people who do well from SF&F sales). As Stephen observed, the reviewer took great pains to ensure the readers of their august newspaper were not reading about one of those disreputable SF authors - and obviously the Handmaid’s Tale wasn’t SF either… Nice to see the mainstream press are still convinced if it is ’literary’ it can’t be genre fiction. I hate seeing my predictions coming right sometimes…



Reminds me of a very posh old geezer who came into our bookstore on Princes Street and asked for a copy of an author he arrogantly said I'd probably not have heard of - Mervyn Peake (duhh - I work in a bookstore, numpty-heid, it's a fair bet I know alot more about authors than you ever will). He was looking for Gormenghast and was utterly (Gormeng)aghast when I showed him to the Science Fiction and Fantasy section that I run. No, no, no he muttered - fantasy? I don't think so... So obviously Gormenghast is a real place, presumably next to the rabbit hole that takes you to the Red Queen's realm... Bollocks to them all - I am an SF nerd and I'm proud of it! I read challenging fiction, concepts that challenge my intellect and characters that explore the human condition, just as all good fiction does but SF is far more free in it's interpretation.

On the note of disreputable SF authors I met up with Richard Morgan, author of the stunning Altered Carbon. Richard was signing copies of his Most Excellent new novel, Broken Angels, for the bookstore on Saturday(check the Alien for the double-header review Ariel and I recently wrote). He’d nicely timed his visit with my finishing time so that I could canter off with him and Matthew afterwards for a few chilled refreshments in Harvey’s in the New Town. Deep-chilled Hoegaarden, good company and some good craic - what more does anyone need? Plus another signed book for my collection (thanks, Richard). Matthew getting his colleague Juliet to bring their bookstore’s stock to the pub for a signing was a touch of class. Signings with authors are often fuelled by wine in-store and end in the pub afterwards, but it’s a tad unusual to do the signing there too. Perhaps I should suggest the Oxford Bar to Ian Rankin for the next author event we do with him?





Just finished reading Robert Reed’s new novel, Sister Alice. I first came across him when Tim Holman at Orbit sent me a copy of Marrow a couple of years ago. I went form looking at the cover and thinking it looked like an Iain M Banks wannabe to being utterly hooked within a few pages. So I have eagerly been waiting for this new novel, which Jessica at Orbit kindly sent to me as a loose-leaf manuscript (very easy to read in bed). Huge concept SF spanning millions of years of advanced human evolution - absorbing and gripping stuff. Check out the review on the Alien the do yourself a favour and read the book.

Rhythm song





Age?



Age matters not,



Whispered the sage:



Only the heart,



And the person,



The special person,



The one person,



Who can hear



Its rhythm song,



And joins in



Glorious chorus.

Hurray - Adam Lyal (deceased) is running once more for the regional list section of the Scottish parliamentary elections. For those who don’t know, the Holyrood ballot has two votes on it - one is the traditional constituency representative, counted in the old fashioned first-past-the-post system. The second is a list for each region, whereby the allocation is according to the actual percentage of votes cast. Both types of MSP make up the parliament and the proportional representational aspect means the parliament has more than the usual parcel of rogues from the big parties, having also independents like Green MSP Robin Harper.



Adam Lyal was hanged 192 years ago in the Grassmarket of Edinburgh. This has been no bar on his career however and he can be seen pretty much nightly in his white-skinned face make-up and long cloak, showing folk around his favourite haunts of the Old Town on the Witchery Tour. If elected he promises to stand for more open government, devolve more powers to local level for the voluntary sector and to attend the parliament in his full tour outfit to lighten the atmosphere a bit. I don’t actually want to vote for any of the main parties - if only I could swap my main vote for another list vote, then I could vote for Adam Lyal (deceased) and Robin Harper’s Green Party.



It is one of the good things in UK democracy that we don’t take even the parliamentary elections too seriously, hence the Monster Raving Loony Party, Adam Lyal (deceased) and other joke candidates such as the Liberal Democrats and wonderfully entertaining buffoons like Jack McConnell. Lyal has his own website here.

A report by the Environmental News Network digest about UN scientists who want to go in to Iraq if the US/UK junta will allow them. Not to look for weapons of mass destruction fromt he Saddam regime, but the ones we littered the desert with yet again (not to mention the Balkans). Interesting reading - are we sure we're the good guys? You can opt to have a daily digest emailed to you by ENN.

I am indebted to Matthew for pointing me to the interesting collaboration between to excellent SF writers, our local lad Charlie Stross and Cory Doctorow (who Alex has been praising). Cory and Charlie are collaborating to draft a tale on a web blog, so the virtual community can actually watch the tale come together, be altered, re-drafted and worked as it happens. I thought this was a wonderful idea and a hi-tech version of Harlan Ellison sitting in a bookstore window writing tales while people watched or tossed him ideas (kind of whose Short Story is it Anyway?), then I read Chalrie's page and see him say pretty much the same thing :-). Sounds like a great idea and an interesting use of internet technology. I haven’t read Cory’s new book, but it is high on my list (thanks Alex) while Charlie’s work is excellent and I hope more folk in the UK get too read more of it soon.

So did George Galloway take money from Saddam? Well, I am not Galloway’s principal fan. Much as I applaud his anti-war stance I have always found his highly-publicised (too highly methinks) ‘missions’ to Libya and Iraq somewhat uncomfortable. His televised appearances with Saddam and Gaddafi really make him look far too chummy with them for his own good. And the public toast to Saddam he made on TV was just ridiculous (although my chum Graham suggested it may have been a clever play on the Arab tradition of cheering your host, handled ironically).



However, this said I cannot help but find the timing and the manner of this supposed revelation to be highly suspect. Blair’s senior Labour party officials are planning on how to deal with Galloway for not toeing the party line during the war (bad enough not to stick to the party script, but he contradicted Tony of Arabia, the ultimate heresy). And this paper just happened to be found by someone in a bombed out building in Iraq and just happened to end up at the offices of the Daily Telegraph, who just happened to run it as a major story with no verification? An awful lot of coincidences of timing and exposure. Odd, is it not, that more papers from this mysterious bombed out building have not appeared to detail the arms deals Britain and the US (and France and Russia) concluded with the regime? Or perhaps papers detailing where all those weapons of mass destruction went to have not appeared?



Don’t trust everything you read. That includes here as well, obviously, although I try to give you as much as truth as the penguins (the true secret masters of the world) will allow me to share.

Oh dear, back to work today after a week of leisure and pleasure. After a mere few hours back in the bookstore I realise just how enormously unsatisfying working in the Borg cube of our individuality-is-irrelevant chain is. Not helped by a stream of incredibly stupid questions from customers.



For example I had a gentlemen show me two editions of a Graham Swift novel. One edition (both are paperbacks) is clearly marked as five pounds and ninety nine pence. The other is equally clearly marked as six pounds and ninety nine pence, but with a bright yellow sticker proclaiming “two pounds off.” What does our incredibly incisive customer ask? He asks which is cheaper. No, I am not kidding. And you thought we would only get smart customers in a book store, right? I am afraid we get plenty of people who have obviously just consumed a couple of retard sandwiches for their lunch. One to file with the customer who returned a book called Mexican Cooking because it wasn’t what she thought it was. Presumably she thought Mexican Cooking was actually a book about the wildlife of the Galapagos. Where do they come from? And why do they all bother me?



In order to find ways to deal with the working day we poor booksellers have to find ways to lighten the mood, to amuse ourselves. Making fun of customers and rubbishing their literary choices is one way (yes, we pass judgement on everything you buy). Today I found a new way to keep myself amused at work. I find an Asian tourist who is browsing some of our books and stand near to them then beginning coughing and sneezing. The look on their face is priceless. Yes, I know you are all thinking how sick I am, but just go on and try it. Those who work in areas of high tourism will enjoy it.

Amidst all that is going on in the world one small but important moment passed on Sunday in the cultural life of our little planet. The 300th episode of the Simpsons. Futurama may have ceased to be (although it had a good run) but the Simpsons is still running and it just seems to keep getting better. Perhaps one day if the quality goes down it will be time to finish it up, but from some of the recent episodes that day will hopefully be a long way away (the Michael Jackson baby-dangling pastiche was priceless). Bless the Simpsons and a happy Easter to everyone.

So, Labour have made a humiliating climb down in the Scottish election campaign. They have been playing the independence bogey man card in their fight against the Scottish National Party, their main rivals. The SNP have promised to hold a referendum to allow the Scottish people to decide if they wish to move from a devolved parliament to full independence. Labour said that constitutional matters were a reserved power to Westminster and the Holyrood parliament could not even mount such a referendum.



Now you will notice this is London saying not only that the Edinburgh parliament does not have final say over independence, but on simply holding a referendum. Now obviously constitutional change would have to include all of the UK legislative bodies. But to threaten to block a possible referendum being held by a possible SNP government in Edinburgh? That is something else - that is effectively saying that London will not even allow the Scottish people to register their opinion. Does democracy so frighten these people?



For starters that is immoral and profoundly undemocratic. It is an action which is also very ill-considered, as this kind of thing will infuriate most Scots and drive them towards the nationalist camp and increase an anti-Westminster and possibly anti-English sentiment, neither of which are productive. Today Labour backtracked to say they would never block a referendum, but the damage is done. Labour have once more shown themselves to be a centrally-driven party who think nothing of over-riding Scottish concerns when it suits their London office. Im not making any pitch here for or against possible independence, but the right for Scottish citizens to have their say on the matter is utterly paramount. It is a matter of simple democracy and of the right of self-determination for all nations that is guaranteed under international law.

I was somewhat taken aback when I saw Jay Garner arriving to the new dictator - Sorry, new interim leader of Iraq. That is, of course, nothing like being a colonial overlord governor-general (although he is indeed a general), because America does not and never has believed in colonialism (except for the Philippines, Cuba, Hawaii and countless spots of military of commercial significance around the world, many borrowed from the former British Empire). This is certainly a good way for us to show the Iraqi people who we fought a war to liberate them and give them our wonderful gifts of liberal democracy for the people, by the people and of the people. Just not those people.



Up until now, however, I thought this might be okay - that this J. Garner might be good in the short term. Then I realised today I had misheard Jay Garner for J. Garner. I thought we were talking about the esteemed actor James Garner. I thought the man who shone in The Great Escape, the man who was Maverick would be able to sort things out. Jim Rockford would know what to do and would always sort out the bad guys. Then I discovered that it wasn’t James Garner at all and some bloody retired general. That is a particularly sensitive move - pick not a diplomat or a UN representative but a US general.



Great. Couldnt we at least have some advisory council to work with him composed of actual Iraqi people from a cross-section of their society? Then we may at least have a fig-leaf of pretence that we are not imposing rule at the force of a gun on that shattered country. That sort of thing is not only immoral and illegal (much like the war itself) but makes an utter mockery of the supposed (and rather belatedly voiced) reason for the damned war.

There are times when, living in an ancient city like Edinburgh, your rational, modern, scientific mind is overwhelmed by far older, more primal forces. Your footsteps echo along a dark close late at night, as the sea mist swirls around the centuries old buildings whose stones have witnessed the long years. Is that just an echo of your footsteps? Or is someone else following you? Is that the spectral tap-tap-tap of Wizard Weirs walking stick? Quick, turnaround - nothing there, except the curls of damp mist. You could be forgiven for expecting Deacon Brodie or Burke and Hare to appear, materialising out of the fog. Its that type of city.



Just been watching a documentary on haunted histories. This one was all set in Edinburgh and covered many of the places where Ive spent a fair bit of time. There is one which is the subject of a best-selling book which tourists buy from our store in bucket loads, dealing with the Mackenzie Poltergeist. Within the walls of Greyfriars Kirkyard there stand the remains of the Covenanters Prison, where many religious folk were incarcerated for months before being executed by the bloody Judge Mackenzie.



The thing with this is that the poltergeist activity - which has a large number of supposed victims by now - only started in the last two or three years. Now being a Gothic uberfiend I have spent a lot of time in Greyfriars. It was a particularly favourite spot for me when I was doing my black and white photography at college - lovely old tombs with carved skulls, dancing skeletons, the works. Ive never encountered anything there scarier than Italian tourists chewing gum with their mouths open. Then again, perhaps poltergeists arent stupid enough to have a go at me. Perhaps it is a stirring in the ethereal confluence? A disturbance in the psionic flux between the realms of the living and the dead? Perhaps. Mind you, it is jolly odd how this started to kick up around the same time as the guided tours started to take in this part of the Old City. But hell, its still a great, creepy story, plus they had a former colleague of mine, Gordon Stewart, looking sharp and guiding the crew around Mary Kings Close, a former plague street sealed up centuries before and built over. Have a look at spooky Edinburgh here.

Just had a quick look at Matthews blog - he is suffering from that dreadful pestilence on humanity, examinations. I would have to agree with him that exams are a very poor way of ascertaining the quality of a students knowledge. I was fortunate in that most of my work on my honours course was course work, essays, dissertation and the like. The authorities forced us to have at least a couple of subject each semester measured by the old fashioned exam method. Our psychology lecturer spent a semester telling us why that system was a ridiculous way to ascertain knowledge and understanding. The discovered his subject had been picked that year to be the exam-not-essay sacrifice. He nicely removed the subject of psychological implications of stress from the exam as he figured that the last thing we needed in a stressful exam situation was to answer a question on stress.



So I do have some sympathy with Matthew and, after all, moaning about actually having to do studying and coursework is an essential part of any degree work. Gives him an excuse not to be writing his Firefly piece for the Alien. Sorry, Matt; couldnt resist a wee dig while you are down. And it is nice to see Firefly finally coming to the UK SciFi Channel. Pity it is after the show was canned. Matt has sung the praises of this last effort by the god-like Joss Wheddon for a while now and must be getting excited that at least it is going to get some UK exposure, even if it is posthumous. Firefly, Farscape, Wtichblade - why is it all these damned good shows keep getting cancelled while vacuous garbage like Fear Factor and Temptation Island go on?

A notoriously violent religious zealot leads his Islamic hordes of a holy war from their rogue state. A clear threat to regional stability and grave abuses of human rights. Step forward the worlds leading superpower to deal with this evil for the greater good, a just war. Vastly outnumbered our plucky superpower lads employ their superiority in military discipline, organisation and enormous technological omnipotence to deal with the Islamic hordes without shattering the country’s infrastructure.



Afghanistan? Nope. Iraq? Sorry, you are out by a fair few years. Actually it is the Sudan, the belated sequel to the Siege of Khartoum by the Madhi and his fundamentalist hordes. His son, the Khalifa and his dervish army of some 52,000 facing Kitcheners army of just 20,000 (with a young Winston Churchill in attendance as a war correspondent). Well drilled British troops firing modern rifles and the new Maxim machine guns, backed up by Royal Navy warships firing their awesome cannon slaughter almost all of the Muslim army. Peace returns to the land, everyone in the world free to live under the banner of the Pax Britannica once more. Meanwhile we can get on with our bankers and companies making huge profits from foreign adventures.



Sounds awfully familiar, does it not? Just over a century later and substitute the economic and cultural imperialism of the United States for the British Empire and the parallels are awfully similar. After drawing this conclusion (not for the first time when reading a history tome) I reached the end of Niall Fergusons Empire: How Britain Made the Modern World. And what comes up in his concluding chapter? A section comparing Tony Blair giving a post 911 speech and drawing parallels between our historic past and our post-modern world.



Ferguson got some stick for this book because he dared to do what a generation of politically correct historians would not do - he dared to cover the good points of the British Empire and the effect it had on history as well as the rather obvious evils of Empire grabbing. Now this is what I’d normally call balance and my history teacher always taught me you should try to look at all the angles in order to understand events. Which is my way of saying ignore those who critiqued the book on those grounds (I think some were jealous because Ferguson is also a good-looking man who fronted an accompanying TV series) and try reading it yourself. Thanks to Aly from Penguin for kindly donating me a copy.

Been using my time off to have a quick flick through some of the short stories collected in Toast by Charlie Stross. Ive been meaning to re-read some since finishing a proof of Charlies excellent forthcoming SF novel, Festival of Fools. Bloody good stuff, although some of the politics makes me think he and Ken MacLeod have been spending too much time talking about SF politics in the pub again.



Big Engine, a nice little SF independent run by Ben Jeapes has unfortunately folded. They were going to publish Festival, but now it is unsure when the UK release will be, although Charlie tells me the US release should be this summer. Hopefully it will be picked up by a British SF publisher soon. Intelligent SF with interesting, adult takes on politics and societies. Well worth reading and I'll post here and on the Alien - www.thealienonline.net - once it is due for publication.

Caught Roger Averys belated return to directing after his fall-out with Tarentino. The Rules of Attraction - most unusual adaptation of an author I really don’t like much (Brett Easton Ellis, a vastly over-rated hack). It is good to see Avery back in the saddle and he has produced one of those rarities - a move far superior to the source novel.



James Van Der Beek (Dawson) as a self-centred bad boy - and wee brother of the main character of American Psycho - is interesting, playing against type. Plenty of liitle touces, such as TVs showing classic movies such as The Cabinet of Dr. Caligari in the backgrounds to remind you of his Dawsons Creek movie buff character. Avery uses a clever system of cross-flowing narrative following each character from the opening moment then reversing time. The result is visually interesting and creates an amazing structure, allowing us to see how self-absorbed these people are in their own spoiled lives, yet how often they crossover and influence others without noticing. Similar use of audio and soundtrack effects to augment the visuals on screen. Gross, funny, humorous, cynical - pretty good stuff and very well made. Welcome back, Roger.

What is going on? It is Scotland, it is spring and we have had consistently nice weather for weeks. This is not natural. Today parts of Scotland were 25 degrees C. That’s hotter than Spain, Italy and Greece are right now, which considering they are just across the Mediterranean from Africa and we’re between Norway and Iceland is a little odd.



I was this close to digging out the shorts early this year. In the end I left them (okay I have no idea where I put them after last summer). There were more than enough incredibly pale Celtic limbs on display without my blue-white skin being exposed too. There are vampires in the Carpathians who have deeper tans that Scottish folk. Still my pale skin creates vitamin D more efficiently than folk with tanned skin, so at least I’ll never have rickets. Plus my skin will not resemble an old leather pouch by the time I am 50. Must lay in my supply of sun cream, SPF 100 (specially made for those of a Celtic disposition who can be sunburnt by camera flash guns).

So what do I do in the sun? Yep, I spend two hours inside a cinema. Well, I haven’t seen a movie in over 10 days you know, I was getting twitchy. I had a nice walk through the old bone orchard nearby on the way back. The centre, where the really old graves are, is left to become overgrown and become and urban wildlife area. I spotted a bat living in one of the trees a couple of years back, stumbling home from the pub one night, fluttering out of the tree and over the graveyard wall. Cool.



I went to see the new Jackie Chan, Shanghai Knights. Anyone who saw the first film will know what to expect - extremely silly action-comedy, but all delivered with Jackie Chan’s trademark style and grin, so you just go with it. For mindless entertainment it is just what you need to take your mind off of the news for a couple of hours. There were even a few nice homages thrown in as well; the revolving hotel door with the police was the Keystone Cops and the Singing in the Rain fight scene with an umbrella in Victorian London? Cracked genius! The rest wasn’t as brilliant, but like I say, patchable enough light fun to take your mind off things for a wee while. Next up is Rules of Attraction tomorrow. Not a fan of the works of Brett Easton Ellis I have to say, but this is Roger Avery’s return to movie directing, so off I go. Plus a chance to see Dawson being bad. Who says I only write about the heavyweight things going on in the world? Now if you will excuse me, my parents have just been through for a lovely surprise visit to their wee boy and left him with a yummy Easter egg to munch on. Hmmmm, Easter egg…..



Been a comedy day today - this morning BBC2 showed a couple of Laurel and Hardy shorts for the first time in ages. I love Laurel and Hardy. Stan Laurel can reduce me to tears of laughter with a simple expression. Chaplin I never had much time for - although I must confess Modern Times is a wonderful satire with great sight gags. But Laurel and Hardy have charcter and plot as well as gags. Then there is wonderful Harold Lloyd hanging from his clock and the utter master of black and white comedy, Buster Keaton. Strong urge to go and watch Steamboat Bill Junior again - the one where the house falls on him.

Found a groovy website on the pages of the Herald (what used to be the Glasgow Herald): www.theliquidgeneration.com



Animations, jokes, music downloads, all pretty snazzy and something to distract us from world msiery for a wee while :-) How can you resist playing Whose Boobs?

SCOTTISH PARLIAMENTARY ELECTIONS - YOUR GUIDE TO THE PARTIES



May approaches and the various Scottish political parties are out on the road, banging drums and in some cases drumming bangs. Although only the second election to the revived Scottish parliament, the situation is already becoming confused, especially as voters have two votes to cast - one for a constituency MP and one proportional representative vote.



Your choices:



Labour, under Jack Furtive McConnell. Supposedly independent of the London office, in reality orders come direct from Lord Blair of Baghdad in Downing Street. So well worth a devolved parliament then.



Conservatives: a bunch of useless whining scunners with only a tiny amount of votes in the entire country. The only party to oppose the creation of a Scottish parliament - nuff said.



Scottish National Party. Still suffering from the loss of Alex Salmond as leader and replacement by John Swinney, possibly the blandest man in Scottish politics.



Liberal Democrats. Used to like these guys, but since they entered a power sharing arrangement with Labour they have been as easily contaminated by power as the main parties.



Scottish Socialist Party - basically Tommy Sheridan at the moment. Lots of old-fashioned left-wing bollocks which would never work, but at least he means what he says and is prepared to be arrested for his beliefs, which is more than most politicians would do.



The Greens - that nice Robin Harper chap. Less pollution, more hugs, tofu and multi-coloured Doctor Who style scarves for everyone. Voted for them last time, reckon I’d still go for them. Like the fact we have a green MSP, and hope the imminent Ang Lee Hulk movie increases awareness of green folk.



Scottish People’s Alliance: who the smeg are they? Does anyone care?

Great, I have a few days off to enjoy and what happens? I develop a smegging cold! Nuts. British Summer Time rolls around, the clocks go forward and cue everyone suddenly getting colds and flu. Still, it beats being at work and worrying what Alex is going to do with his omnipresent digital camera (yes, the one that provided Matthew’s Blog with my less than flattering pic).



So last night as I was in no fit state to go out I decided to have a mini vampathon. I watched Shadow of the Vampire and Bram Stoker’s Dracula on DVD. Love the conceit of Shadow, with Murnau directing a real vampire, posing as a method actor called Shrek who is playing a vampire… Very well made, good use of light and shadow - most appropriate considering Nosferatu is one of the high point of the Expressionist movement. The Coppola, despite it’s noble proclamation to be a definitive version based properly the book really isn’t anything of the kind. Instead of a horror tale we have a Gothic romance, but it’s still a very enjoyable movie for us old vamp fiends and Winona looks delectable in that red dress - dontcha love the zoom facility on DVD? What a biteable neck she has - mind you, you’d have to watch your possessions around her.



Finished off with a couple of episodes on old-fashioned VHS of my beloved Forever Knight - anyone else remember that? Actually I’m just listening to the second volume of the soundtrack from the series right now, all composed by Fred Mollin with nice little cameos by the lead actors. Nigel Bennett’s LeCroix is especially fine - the only good human is a bled human. So wonderfully unrepentant was LeCroix - a vampire who really enjoyed being an immortal bloodsucker, not a whiner like some of these modern vamps. He’d have got on well with Cassidy from Preacher.

Stuffed up with a cold I’ve been browsing through books most of the day, when I found a quotation that seemed extremely appropriate to the current situation in a devastated Iraq. The eloquent words of one of the great leaders of democracy and equality, speaking in the end days of a dreadful war, he looks beyond the battlefield slaughter to building a lasting peace, rebuilding the land and taking care of the injured, the orphaned and those freed of oppression.



With malice toward none, with charity for all; with firmness in the right, as God gives us to see the right, let us strive on to finish the work we are in; to bind up the nation's wounds; to care for him who shall have borne the battle, and for his widow, and his orphan—to do all which may achieve and cherish a just, and a lasting peace, among ourselves, and with all nations.



Abraham Lincoln, 2nd presidential speech of inauguration, March 3rd, 1865.

On a good news front however, I picked up my shiny new toy today - a Toshiba laptop. It will take me ages to transfer over files accumulated on my ancient pentium desktop, but at least I have my existing email etc set up on the shiny little new machine. Very sexy and I'm very pleased with it - except Windows Xp seems deigned to stop people like me who know how to fiddle with things fiddling with things... I'm sure I'll figure it all out eventually - unless is succumb to playing a nice new state-of-the art game, the type I couldn't play on my old machine. Yes, I'm just waiting for Alex to supply me with new games distractions so I get bugger all work done on the new machine.



One drawback to the new computer - it is a nice thin plasma screen. This means no hot monitor for my cats to sleep on, they are most distressed. Still, I will take this opportunity to start training them up on anti-terrorism measures. The big puss, Pandora, is the tactical cat, designed to clobber the enemy by... well sitting on their laps and purring. Cassandra (Cassie) is the smaller cat and to be used for swift, surgical strikes. Ha, no Al-Queda plague infested rats being unleashed near me! Back to the new toy oh how my poor bank balance screams for mercy. But the old machine was not only from the Triassic era it was now making sounds like the last Huey out of Saigon in 1975, so it aint long for this world. That's my justification and I am sticking to it!

Well the first Gulf War was referred to as a video game war. Night-sight graphics tinged in green, on-screen displays with read-outs taken direct from fighters and even the missiles - it did look like a video game. Were those really people dying there or was it just a multimedia extravaganza, lead by the happy, smiling face of Norman Schwazkopf.



Today in the Guardian I read about how Sony (amongst others) are planning to capitalise on this new war by registering the phrase shock and awewith the US patent office, so it is now Shock and Awe (TM). Sony say they are not necessarily going to make a game of Desert Storm II - although other software makers have already announced just this. Oh no, Sony are sensitive - they are only registering their trademark now in case they wish to use them on a future product, if it is suitable. Nice how they went to the patent office while the bombs were still falling, a fine touch.



War and commerce, my how well these pillars of our civilisations work together. The British Empire, the world’s largest, was powered by mighty commerce and awesome military power. It was also supposedly based on our 18th century Enlightenment theories of liberty. Liberty, massive armed forces and commerce. 18th century Imperial era - 21st century post-modern world. Anyone spot the difference? In France in 1940 we had the Phoney War. Today we have the Sony War. Plus ca change.

Do something to spread good



In the meantime, here’s a way to do some good to redress the planet’s karma – go to the UN Hunger Site and click. That’s it, just click. It opens one advertising window and the sponsors pay for food donations to the world food programme. One click a day is allowed. A few minutes of the day and some poor sod gets a meal, so please bookmark it and click on it once everyday spread some good in our little world, because it sorely needs it.



www.thehungersite.com

So it’s all over – the newspapers and other media are all proclaiming victory in Iraq. A little presumptuous considering that there are still firefights going on and no-one knows where Saddam is. Hopefully the allies won’t end up with another Afghanistan on their hands where they can’t find the top folk of the regime after the dust settles.



And what a stunning victory it is as our brave boys valiantly overthrow the evil regime to ‘liberate’ the poor wee folk in Iraq. That would sit a little more easily with me if it wasn’t for the fact that our leaders kept changing the reasons why they were so bloody determined to have this seedy little war so many times over the last few months. You’ll note that the noble aim of liberating an oppressed people – which they clearly were – was a justification only added in the very last weeks before the bombs started. Nobility may be something the men and women of our armed forces can display but not I fear our political masters. When applying the term to them I advise prefacing the word ‘nobility’ with the letter ‘k’.

A very beautiful and sunny day off for me today. The spring sunshine bathed Edinburgh in a warm glow, flowers burst into bloom in Princes Street Gardens and women are wearing more revealing tops. Ah yes, spring is in the air. In this spirit I decided to leave aside the cares of the modern world for one day and embarked upon an ancient Celtic tradition, a pagan ritual the Celtic people have followed faithfully since long before the Romans came to Caledonia. A life-affirming celebration of the end of the long, dark winter and the rebirth of the Earth goddess in the form of spring. Yes, in other words I had my first outdoor beer of the year :-)



Don’t mock – for those of us who live in the ancient lands of Scotland the first outdoor drinking session of the spring is a very important ritual, which must be solemnly observed on the first reasonably warm and sunny afternoon. The ritual demands several local ales to be imbibed and for small delicacies to be served to honour the Goddess (crisps will do). Dear chums, I hold my Celtic heritage very dear and sacred to my heart and so I did my best to carry out this ancient ceremony to the best of my ability, onerous though that burden may be.Suitably enough for someone who works in the book trade this al-fresco imbibing took place outside of Milne's Bar in Rose Street. For those who don't know Edinburgh, Milne's was the home away from home for a large number of Scottish poets in the post-war period. A composite portrait of our drunken bards in this historic tavern hangs in the National Portrait Gallery on Queen Street. One of the pluses about living in Edinburgh is that even the pubs are historic landmarks to be visited. So you can go pub crawling and still call it a tour, wonderful. Never trust a poet who doesn't indulge. Come to think of it, never buy a pair of used roller blades from one either, especialyl if he's been drinking.

I made the mistake of reading a discarded Metro on the bus this morning. I’m sure many of you saw it, an image designed to go right pass all our cynical armour and go straight for the jugular of the emotions, the picture of the wee Iraqi lad who lost both arms in a raid. Lost both his arms, his mum, his dad, his sisters and brothers, his home… This is obviously some strange usage of the world ‘liberation’ that I haven’t come across before. Still, he is alive, so I guess that’s what our enlightened leaders would call a surgical strike. Was this a calculated bit of media to get a reaction from us, running this pic and story? Yes. Did it work. Yes. I think I preferred it when they were shooting themselves. Speaking of which, isn’t it against the Geneva Convention to bomb John Simpson? I’m sure there is a special article relating to John Simpson in war zones.

Welcome to the all-new Blog-edition of the Woolamaloo Gazette (established 1992). Begun as an email version of a newspaper the Woolamaloo Gazette allowed me to take sideswipes at stories from the media, to lampoon those who deserve it and to satirise current events, all while also hopefully making people think at the same time. For this new Blog style Gazette I will probably create a mixture of the traditional Gazette-style ‘news’ feature – which will be obvious by the bold banner headline for the piece – and the normal Blog-type meanderings, ramblings, rumblings, fumblings and occassional alcoholic rants.



WORLD HEALTH ORGANISATION CALLED IN TO INVESTIGATE MYSTERY ASIAN PLAGUE



The WHO – not affiliated with Doctor Who – have been called in to track and monitor the spread of a mysterious new plague which is believed to have begun in the ground zero of the Far East. This new virus, which produces pneumonia like symptoms in victims, has been dubbed SATS, or Stressed and Tested Sickness. Constant stress brought on by rigorous academic exams systems is blamed for the creation of SATS. The extreme stress placed on a person by examinations which may determine their whole future causes the body’s white blood count to drop, leaving the body open to infections of all sort. Young people are especially at risk but with the widespread introduction of standardised interviews and psychometric testing, employers are now fuelling outbreaks of SATS amongst adults.



So far doctors have been powerless to halt the spread of SATS. Indeed, with so many doctors having to sit so many exams the medical profession is thought to be one of most at-risk professions, after civil servants. Your ever-thoughtful Gazette reporter decided to see if he could find some relief for his readers through holistic medicine. We approached Marjory Greenbum of the Happy Herbal Hospital. She told us that the disease was merely a symptom of the way modern society runs and as such could not be cured without major societal change. In the meantime she suggested some ways to use natural remedies to alleviate the suffering cause by SATS. These include yoga, massage, long holidays and recreational sex and/or drugs.