Correction



Got a correction on the order of the name of the film-maker below: apparently "It's Wong Kar Wai..not the other way round..." from Adrock2xander. I have seen the name in different orders before so honestly not sure which was the correct, but since many movie sources often get it wrong I think I deserve a little slack, but point taken. Not sure about the 'white people' comment which comprised the rest of the email with this correction though - especially since being Celtic I consider myself pale blue rather than white :-). As for us 'white people' trying to have it our own way I'd say most cultures in all periods of time and geography tend to mostly see the world through the cultural lens they were raised with - this is not unique to 21st century 'white people' (whatever that means - does this mean that everyone with white skin is the same? So someone from East Anglia who lives on a farm is the same as white businesswoman from Saint Louis? Or South Africa?). Besides as a Scot I can have Western model of forename and surname in that order or can draw on my ancient Scottish model and use my Clan name. So there. Never mix up white folks with us Celts!

More movies



Caught Nathalie as part of the French Film season. Great disappointment and a waste of a good cast - Gerard Depardiue, Fanny Ardent and the delicious Emmanuelle Beart. Watchable but rather insipid it lazily uses the most cliched of French movie conventions - obsession with extra marital affairs, everyone smokes and everyone is always at the Cafe Tabac...



However, not a total waste since Melanie and I went to the Film Fest box office and got some tickets for the premiere of 2046 by Kar Wai Wong at the Edinburgh Film Festival, an interesting SF film from Asia which has the amazing Gong-Li (Raise the Red Lantern) in it and is generating good advance buzz and also tickets for Hero as well, a movie claimed to be the new Crouching Tiger. Because I have a pass for the UGC (so I can see loads of movies a month for 9.99) and they are a major player in the EIFF now I get special discounts, like 2 for 1 on advance tickets. Woohoo! Will be back to pick out a few more for myself on my time off during the Festival.

THAT GOVERNMENT TERROR HANDBOOK

Many of our readers have been somewhat alarmed by the news that the government is issuing a handbook to every household to guide people on how to deal with and survive a terrorist attack in the UK. The stated aim of this expensive exercise is supposedly to calm the fears of the British public (caused largely by government ministers constantly telling us that a dreadful attack is imminent and that they are unlikely to be able to protect us). Far be it from us to point out that each time Tony Blair’s government dips in popularity (Butler Report – terror handbook comes out; Iraq war – army tanks at Heathrow to thwart ‘imminent’ attack) there is a miraculously timed reminder of how vulnerable we all are and how it may be a jolly good idea to support whatever measures the government deigns to take.

So what exactly is in this handbook?

Stock up on tinned food. Not only does this ensure a supply of food which will not spoil, unlike frozen food reliant on electricity, you can use the cans to protect yourself and your family; should some bearded fundamentalists come down your street brandishing their AK-47s then you can deal with them by throwing your tins at them. As any soldier knows a well-aimed tin of Heinz Cream of Tomato Soup is more than a match for an AK-47, especially since most Muslim terrorists only know how to fire their guns into the air in an excited manner. This poses little threat to civilians, as long as they remember to dodge the falling pigeons. It is recommended that can-throwing patriots aim directly between the eyes of the terrorist since their turbans and vast beards may otherwise absorb much of the impact. For those who live in high buildings, if the power is cut don’t let your frozen food go to waste – a frozen chicken dropped from a fourth storey window can do serious damage to an unwary fundamentalist.

Citizens should stock up on bottled water. Patriotism should be expressed by purchasing only fine mineral water from the British Isles (none of that Cheese Eating Surrender Monkey Perrier nonsense, oh dear no). If a terrorist attack disables the water system it is important to have bottled supplies. Once used citizens should hold on to the empty bottles as a disabled water system would also imply a disabled sewage system and the emptied bottles may be useful.

Responsible citizens should ensure that they can cope for a few days without electricity. To this end they should lay in the following supplies: battery-powered radio, spare batteries, candles (some scented candle are a good idea to help you relax), Monopoly or other board games and a good book (we recommend Salman Rushdie's The Satanic Verses and perhaps the SAS Survival Guide). The more patriotic among you may wish to buy a small generator to drive via you exercise cycle or stairmaster. Lonely ladies may wish to ensure a readily available, battery-powered vibrator and a backup supply of cells. A terror attack is no reason a British woman can’t enjoy some decent clitoral stimulation and some may see a decent orgasm in a time of crisis as your patriotic duty (just like back and think of Britain). Gentlemen (and hirsute ladies) may want to have a battery operated shaver on standby. This may also be used offensively to remove the beard of the terrorist, thus rendering them harmless. No electricity means no MP3 downloads or I-Pods, so music-loving citizens may wish to burn some uplifting, patriotic tunes to a wind-up gramophone system. We recommend Rule Britannia, God Save the Queen and the themes from 633 Squadron and the Dambusters to keep up your Stiff Upper Lip (citizens should also keep a good supply of Lip Stiffener to hand). This will also mean no television - Big Brother fans will have to find something more productive to do with the many hours of free time this will give them, such as cleaning their toes or learning to whistle.

It is a good idea to keep some sandbags ready to be filled at a moment’s notice around the household. Indeed you should keep some ready-filled at all times – in peaceful times they can be used as small cushions or miniature bean-bags for children and small animals such as cats to sit on. A few rolls of Kevlar are useful to have around the house (it can be used as an ironing board cover during peaceful periods) and for wealthier households you may consider selling one of your family cars and replacing it with a tank. With recently announced cutbacks to the British armed forces (partly to fund the 8 million pound cost of the warning leaflet) it is possible to obtain a low-mileage, used Challenger battle tank for a good price (Jeremy Clarkson is said to own one already).

Of course there is more to the booklet than telling you what to buy and store. There are also useful tips on what and what not do in event of one of those attacks we’ve been scaring the crap out of you all by reminding you of every time we threaten your liberties or get into a PR problem over the war:

Keep a list of useful telephone numbers close to hand, such as police, Fire Brigade, etc. Assuming the terrorist outrage which knocked out your power and water hasn’t knocked out your phones as well (or indeed destroyed the police, fire stations etc) you will then be able to contact the authorities for emergency information and/or assistance quickly. Naturally as it will be a state of emergency it is imperative that you do not use those numbers in event of an attack since it could block emergency communications. Keep them handy but don’t use them. If the internet access is disabled you should use carrier pigeons. If carrier pigeons are unavailable you and your neighbours should create a chain of semaphore stations. Semaphore flags can be made easily from old towels or blankets, some handy dowelling, glue and sticky-back plastic. The draft from a large number of semaphore flags is considerable and can also be used in concert to make the long beards of terrorists flap around and get in their way. The energetic flapping will produce body heat useful if gas and electricity is cut off on a cold night and help keep the population fit.

Be alert – keep your eyes open for suspicious-looking characters around your neighbourhood and report them to the authorities. Unless of course the suspicious-looking characters are undercover intelligence operatives protecting you by intercepting your phone calls, checking your emails and bank account details. You may well ask how do I tell the difference between these dodgy characters? And the answer is obvious: the white, middle-class dodgy chap is ‘one of ours’ and the dark-skinned foreign bloke is obviously up to no good, precisely because he is a dark-skinned foreign bloke.

Animals have always been useful allies in Britain’s glorious struggles of the past: sniffer dogs finding IRA bombs, sneaker cats to scout behind enemy lines and shit in their shoes and not forgetting the highly trained halibut used by Admiral Lord Nelson to nibble to hulls of the French fleet at Trafalgar. Train your pets to attack terrorists. Dogs, cats and rabbits of Britain, this is your Finest Hour.

Have a well-stocked First Aid box to hand. Most of you won’t know how to use anything in there other than the Band-Aids but it will make you feel better.

Have a well-stocked bar in the home. Because since we’re cutting British forces while prosecuting the ‘war on terror’ that we started you’ll need a good, stiff drink regularly to deal with the constant fear that an incompetent government has left us with more hate-filled enemies than ever before while totally failing to ensure the protection of British citizens. Cheers.

Finally remember this is all for Your Own Good. Do Not Question The Government. Should anyone experience serious side-effects from following the advice in this leaflet Her Majesty’s Government will immediately hold a public enquiry to find the government blameless and pass the buck to the BBC. If you were terrified by the Evil Terrorist Threat before just bear in mind that we are the people in charge of your safety – People with no sense of responsibility, who lie to the public and even give Peter Mandelson another job. Now you truly know the Face of Terror.

This week's word association from Subliminal:

1. Sleep:: no more...Macbeth doth murder sleep
   
   
2. Stats:: bats
   
   
3. Portfolio:: art
   
   
4. Lipton:: ice tea
   
   
5. Telly:: beer belly
   
   
6. Immigrate:: come on in
   
   
7. Viable:: kind of okay but not great
   
   
8. Serene:: mountain
   
   
9. Mountain:: serene
   
   
10. Natalie:: Wood
    
    

Typos



Have noticed since Blogger updated the way you handle fonts, size, colour etc recently that I'm having odd problems, like a three or four paragraph blog is all put in the same font and colour but for some reason comes out with one paragraph totally different. Double check and it is all set okay, but back to blog and still a mix. Hmmmm. Oh well, if you notice odd font clashes in a single item it isn't me trying to be wacky with the text layout, it's just the system playing silly bloggers... Unlike Olly who has a nice, fresh new layout (is this his summer look?).

Books, glorious books

This last week or so has seen my eager little claws sinking in to a nice advance copy of the new Iain M Banks SF novel – his first for four years – The Algebraist. The wonderful Jessica from Orbit (who also publish two of the other local SF Mafiosi, Ken MacLeod and Charlie Stross) sent me one with a note saying that the first batch was restricted to a mere twenty or so and that the press will have to wait a couple of weeks yet. Very nice to be treated to one of the early batch. I’m about a third of the way through already and I can tell those eager to see a new Banksie that so far it has been bloody brilliant; one of those books that makes you very annoyed when your lunch is over and you realise you have to put it down and go back to work. Some excellent space opera in there, interesting mixture of different societies and species, including an ancient race called Dwellers who live in gas giants (inspired by Arthur C Clarke’s ideas on this similar tack, perhaps???). It also has flashes of the perversity that reminds you this genial smiling, bearded man who seems so cheery and chirpy with a single malt in his hand is also the man who brought us the Wasp Factory, possibly one of the most freaky and unusual Scottish novels of the last 20-30 years (and it’s not even classed as one of his SF novels). For a nasty instance a rather evil tyrant keeps the severed head of the last man to oppose him and almost beat him. He keeps it hooked up to advanced life support and medical systems to keep it alive and in good repair then hangs it from the ceiling of his office to use as a punch bag. For years. Oh, yes, it seems to me Iain is back on form!

And then today in comes the next instalment in Neal Stephenson’s glorious Baroque Cycle of massive tomes, The System of the World. I predict another sudden log-jam in my already hectic reading schedule as I allow myself to sink deep into this final volume of an incredibly literate, detailed and richly evocative historical fantasy (for want of a better term – it rather defies categorisation, which in my (non) humble opinion is often the mark of the finest writing). The first volume, Quicksilver, won this year’s coveted Arthur C Clarke Award, and I think it is fair to say if it were not being classed as SF&F then more broadsheets would rave over the cleverness of the writing style, the lush historical detail and the massive concepts running throughout. Still, we’ve done very well with it and plenty of our customers have purchased the first two despite their 800 page plus count. For scholarly accuracy and fluid writing I would honestly compare this series to the works of Umberto Eco. And as I hold Eco to be an utter genius, that’s very high praise. That’s my tuppence worth in my opinion as a heavy reader, reviewer and professional bookbeing, for what it’s worth.

I was also rather pleasantly surprised to receive a copy of a historical novel set in Roman times (as many, many are at the moment) featuring French hero Vercongeterix battling old Julius. It’s called the Druid King and is by an old SF hound who I haven’t heard of in many years – Norman Spinrad. I was planning to bite into this interesting novel (under TimeWarner’s normal fiction imprint rather than their Orbit SF imprint) after finishing Banksie’s Algebraist but methinks System of the World will over-ride all other literary priorities, alas even the proof of the new Jon Courtenay Grimwood (one of my favourite of the excellent new wave of Brit SF writers) will have to wait. Oh, so many books, so little time. I need a couple of extra arms and heads I think. But I’m not quite hip enough to look like Zaphod Beeblebrox. I think I could carry of a decent Zarniwoop though.

In a literary sidebar, the BBC contacted our bookstore and talked to Alex about our monthly SF Book Group. Seems they may be interested in doing something on book clubs which are a little different – we’ll have to wait and see when they get back to us, but it does sou

When my thumbs both started aching I just sat down by the road

To read the newspapers I’d got stuffed in my shoes

I had a double-barrelled twelve-gauge and a long red leather coat

And a phone number in Cleveland but, but I was not certain whose

And so I didn’t see the car pull up, I heard the brake pads squeal

It was an Oldsmobile, as hot and black as sin

And there she sat behind the wheel; she said “You look just like I feel.”

She said, “My name’s Dorothy Parker,” and she told me to get in,

We found a lonely filling station right outside Miami Beach

It was too good an opportunity to miss

The old man started up to screech; I slipped two shells into the breech,

She pulled a pen out of her garter and said, “Let me handle this.”

And then she cut him with an Epigram and slew him with a word

We took his cash, filled the Oldsmobile with fuel

And at the motel later, in my mouth she pulsed like a bird

And I have never known a woman half as funny; half as cruel…

…I guess it all got out of hand, became a verbal killing spree

I’d shoot to wound, but when she spoke they all dropped dead

Though every headline in the country featured Dorothy and me

We were too young and drunk to care, too much in love and too well read

We’d lacerate each other or our friends behind their backs

We’d screw all night or lay in anger side by side

She was like poetry between the sheets, okay in the sack

And every word so sad and true we laughed until we cried

They caught up with us in Fresno when she cached some bad reviews

In a position she had no way to defend

And I don’t know if the SWAT team or the heartbreak or the booze

Was what shot her up so badly by the end

I wanted to surrender but she fought to the last line

She said, “Let’s shoot our way outside and make a stand.”

I laughed and said, “Age before beauty,” she replied, “Pearls before swine.”

And we went out with both lips blazing and a pen in either hand…

Me & Dorothy Parker, the Flash Girls, lyrics by Alan Moore, from the alubm Maurice & I

Angry



I had a whole blog prepared about the difference between what our government will put into an illegal and odious war and what is put into humanitarian aid, notably in the crisis in the Sudan. Ministers, notably Chancellor Brown all made speeches about this uneccessary tragedy and to be sure some aid is being boosted but it falls way beyond what we spent - and are still spending - on the Iraq war. I had to scrap that blog though, because frankly it was flaming. For the simple reason that seeing an infant starving on a new item and learning the child died shortly afterwards - even before the BBC broadcast it today - makes me bloody furious. It shouldn't happen. It's not just getting the aid where it is needed; armed militias supported by the Sudanese government are terrorising people and killing them, forcing them to flee and also blocking some aid from getting to where it is needed most. If these militias were blocking rich oil pipelines HMS Ark Royal would be off the coast now disgorging hundreds of Royal Marines while Harriers fly overhead. Why western goverments can't even threaten action if the Sudanese government doesn't sort out the militias themselves is beyond me. Am I being simplistic in my approach? Probably, but dammit it, why can't we make it this simple?



But instead I scrapped most of that draft blog and instead I'm just posting this information. It is an umbrella organisation for several major charities - the only folk who get off their arses and do something to help - who have come together to help with this dreadful crisis. I tried several times to log on to donate but the site is so busy it timed out (this was after the appeal the BBC, bless 'em, broadcast before Newsnight this evening). I will try again tomorrow and again the day after. Can't offer them much money but if the price of a few pints of beer can help then I'll give it to them and I urge everyone else to do the same. The politicians don't seem to care, but that doesn't mean we don't.

FIDDLER REPORT PUBLISHED

<>

The eagerly-awaited results of the Fiddler Report was published and presented to Parliament this afternoon. Lord Fiddler of Whytewashe, a retired senior civil servant from the Department of Plausible Deniability, has completed his exhaustive enquiry (editing out angry swear words from Alistair Campbell’s testimony alone took several weeks and a team of typists) into the proper apportioning of blame in the Butler Report. Since the Butler Report concluded that there were intelligence failures and misleading use of that intelligence to lead Britain to war but added that no-one was to blame there has been uproar in the country (although not in the Commons where the leader of the opposition, Howard the Frog, singularly failed to impale Mr Blair during Prime Minister’s Question Time despite being handed an incredibly sharp weapon). <>



Since the lack of blame and responsibility could be interpreted as being harmful to Mr Blair and his Charming Smile the Fiddler Report was commissioned to discover what failings there were in the investigation into failings and to finally apportion some blame. After much deliberation no-one could be found to take blame for not previously taking the blame, so the BBC is being blamed again. Meanwhile the author has taken off to Italy for a holiday in Rome which is currently undergoing a heat wave, so it could be said the government’s stooge is Fiddler while Rome burns. In related news a new TV show begins next week, How Clean Is Your Conscience? The highly popular team from How Clean Is Your House? are being drafted in to make sure the consciences of leading members of society are sparkling and free of guilt. The first week’s subject will be the Right Honourable (ahem) Tony Blair, Prime Minister.

And now a word from our sponsor:

* 50% OFF POLITICAL-STRENGTH WHITEWASH AT B&Q!!! *

COMPLETELY CLEAN TWO PUBLIC REPORTS FOR THE PRICE OF ONE!!!

Tingling Spidey-senses



Spider-Man 2 totally rocks! Actually better than the first one - sure they have ramped up the effects and action scenes as you may expect, but a fair bit of the hefty 2 hours plus running time is given over to character development. This is pretty much in keeping with the spirit of the comics where Peter Parker and his everyday life and trials are just as important as Spider-Man is.



At the end of the first film we see Peter coming to terms with the responsibility his powers have brought with him. This time round he starts to have self doubts about his role and how it conflicts with his own life. Actually this is is pretty much in keeping with the classical hero model since most eventually accept the call (most heroes are called) and embark on the journey, but heroes, like most of us, aren't always sure about things and the questioning of his role is realistic. The whole thing was obviously put together with a lot of love and attention to the style and flavour of the original by Raimi. Great stuff and clever integration of material from the first film was a bonus, while the train sequence is both pulse pounding and has a somewhat cheesy yet touching ending. The film too, despite some obvious plotholes, can be a little cheesy (in the good way luckily) but has some genuine heart to it.

Free association time



This week's go from Subliminal:

1. Crippling::debt
   
   
2. Tough::shit
   
   
3. Slinky::Malinkey
   
   
4. Slogan::I don't have one
   
   
5. Stuffed::Burp! Pardon me, I'm stuffed
   
   
6. Instructions::how to tell you how to fuck up properly
   
   
7. Expletive::deleted
   
   
8. Cartoon::FUN!
   
   
9. Toddler::smelly, noisy, messy
   
   
10. Insinuation::Are you trying to get into my good books?
    
    

I can't believe it's not Buddha!





Earburster buys Chestburster at auction



Incredibly malformed whiney soft pop crooner Chris de Burgh has purchased the original chestbuster from the movie Alien. It was thought it would go for around £12, 000 but actually fetched almost £30, 0000. In a way this is most appropriate: the original chestbuster scene shocked unsuspecting audiences and made many feel physically repulsed and even ill, just like Chris de Burgh's songs do. Vogon poetry is mild by comparison.

NEW HONOURS SYSTEM EXPLAINED



As was widely anticipated the British Honours system has been recommended for a complete overhaul to bring it into the modern age. Out go archaic terms such as ‘Order of the British Empire’ or ‘OBE’ and it is also possible that knighthoods may also go so there will be no more Sirs or Dames. Honours may also be taken largely out of the control of the government and the monarchy. However, the report does support retaining some form of Honours system. What shape will they take and how will they be awarded?



The lower-ranking honours of the type normally given to popular entertainers and sports celebrities, such as CBEs will be replaced by a more modern system where the honoured recipients will be given a nice framed certificate signed by the Queen (suitable for sale on EBay) and a £20 Book Token.



OBEs will be replaced by a similar certificate (but with a gilt edge), a signed photograph of Ester Rantzen and a £100 Ikea gift voucher.



Knighthoods and Dameships, of the type of Honours normally only given to senior politicians, military leaders and civil servants (and rich businessmen) will be replaced, although this will not affect most of the UK or Commonwealth citizens since only the Nobs ever get this gong. No longer will we have Sirs, such as Sir Les Patterson, or Dames such as Dame Edna Everidge. Instead recipients will have an ennobled title more in keeping with modern society. Sirs will become Da Main Man and Dames will be known as Queen Booty (as in Queen Booty Judi Dench or Da Main Man Sean Connery).



The Order of the Bath will be replaced by the Order of the Jacuzzi, the Order of the Thistle is replaced by the Order of the Camomile Tea and the Order of Saint Michael and Saint George is replaced by the Order of Saint Marks and Spencer (and comes with a £500 M&S gift voucher). All references to the ‘British Empire’ will be removed on the somewhat inconsequential grounds that it no longer exists apart from a few islands in the Indian Ocean we rent to the Americans (and the loyal sheep and penguins of the Falklands).



While we at the Gazette are pleased that the Honours system is to be revised and made more acceptable to modern society we do admit to a slight twinge of regret that now we will never see ourselves or our chums knighted. Now the world will never see Lord Woolamaloo of Ursa Major (although Lord Woolamaloo would probably wear leather with lace trim instead of the normal ermine robes); there will be no ‘arise, Sir Ariel’ as our esteemed Alien editor is knighted for services to the SF community. A shame, really.



As government and the monarch may have less of a role in choosing who receives the Honours in order to remove any claims of political motivations, favouritism or cronyism, how will possible recipients now be selected? The report has again plumped for a thoroughly contemporary system designed to engage the great unwashed mass of the British populace in a method it can relate to: reality TV. Possible Honours recipients will be put into a closely monitored environment and shown 24/7 on TV where they will have to perform various ridiculous tasks while viewers can vote regularly on who gets booted out with a title. Thus once revered ancient British traditions may be introduced to the general decline and fall of British culture, with OBEs (Order of the British Empire) being replaced by LCDs (Lowest Common Denominator).

Graphic novels continue to conquer all



A very good article - with illustrations - on the online New York Times today about the spread and importance of graphic novels. You need to log on to access most stories, but it is free and you can get a daily email digest of headlines too. There's also a link to an online discussion between Chris Ware and Art Spiegelman - groovy. Here's an excerptfrom the article (it goes over several pages, I recommend it):



Not Funnies

By CHARLES McGRATH



Published: July 11, 2004





You can't pinpoint it exactly, but there was a moment when people more or less stopped reading poetry and turned instead to novels, which just a few generations earlier had been considered entertainment suitable only for idle ladies of uncertain morals. The change had surely taken hold by the heyday of Dickens and Tennyson, which was the last time a poet and a novelist went head to head on the best-seller list. Someday the novel, too, will go into decline -- if it hasn't already -- and will become, like poetry, a genre treasured and created by just a relative few. This won't happen in our lifetime, but it's not too soon to wonder what the next new thing, the new literary form, might be.



It might be comic books. Seriously. Comic books are what novels used to be -- an accessible, vernacular form with mass appeal -- and if the highbrows are right, they're a form perfectly suited to our dumbed-down culture and collective attention deficit. Comics are also enjoying a renaissance and a newfound respectability right now. In fact, the fastest-growing section of your local bookstore these days is apt to be the one devoted to comics and so-called graphic novels. It is the overcrowded space way in the back -- next to sci-fi probably, or between New Age and hobbies -- and unless your store is staffed by someone unusually devoted, this section is likely to be a mess. ''Peanuts'' anthologies, and fat, catalog-size collections of ''Garfield'' and ''Broom Hilda.'' Shelf loads of manga -- those Japanese comic books that feature slender, wide-eyed teenage girls who seem to have a special fondness for sailor suits. Superheroes, of course, still churned out in installments by the busy factories at Marvel and D.C. Also, newer sci-fi and fantasy series like ''Y: The Last Man,'' about literally the last man on earth (the rest died in a plague), who is now pursued by a band of killer lesbians.



You can ignore all this stuff -- though it's worth noting that manga sells like crazy, especially among women. What you're looking for is shelved upside down and sideways sometimes -- comic books of another sort, substantial single volumes (as opposed to the slender series installments), often in hard cover, with titles that sound just like the titles of ''real'' books: ''Palestine,'' ''Persepolis,'' ''Blankets'' (this one tips in at 582 pages, which must make it the longest single-volume comic book ever), ''David Chelsea in Love,'' ''Summer Blonde,'' ''The Beauty Supply District,'' ''The Boulevard of Broken Dreams.'' Some of these books have titles that have become familiar from recent movies: ''Ghost World,'' ''American Splendor,'' ''Road to Perdition.'' Others, like Chris Ware's ''Jimmy Corrigan: The Smartest Kid on Earth'' (unpaged, but a good inch and a quarter thick) and Daniel Clowes's ''David Boring,'' have achieved cult status on many campuses.



These are the graphic novels -- the equivalent of ''literary novels'' in the mainstream publishing world -- and they are beginning to be taken seriously by the critical establishment. ''Jimmy Corrigan'' even won the 2001 Guardian Prize for best first book, a prize that in other years has gone to authors like Zadie Smith, Jonathan Safran Foer and Philip Gourevitch.



The notion of telling stories with pictures goes back to the cavemen. Comic-book scholars make a big deal of Rodolphe Topffer, a 19th-century Swiss artist who drew stories in the form of satiric pictures with captions underneath. You could also make a case that Hogarth's ''Harlot's Progress'' and its sequel, ''A Rake's Progress,'' were graphic novels of a sort -- stories narrated in sequential panels. But despite these lofty antecedents, the comic-book form until recently has been unable to shed a certain aura of pulpiness, cheesiness and semi-literacy. In fact, that is what a lot of cartoon artists most love about their genre.



There was a minor flowering of serious comic books in the mid-80's, with the almost simultaneous appearance of Art Spiegelman's groundbreaking ''Maus''; of the ''Love and Rockets'' series, by two California brothers, Gilbert and Jaime Hernandez; and of two exceptionally smart and ambitious superhero-based books, ''Watchmen,'' by Alan Moore and Dave Gibbons, and ''Batman: The Dark Knight Returns,'' by Frank Miller. Newspapers and magazines ran articles with virtually the same headline: ''Crash! Zap! Pow! Comics Aren't Just for Kids Anymore!'' But the movement failed to take hold, in large part because there weren't enough other books on the same level.

Avast! Pirates o' the Virtual Caribbean



According to Media Guardian illegal internet dowloads of movies and TV shows (even so-far unscreened shows such as the Friends spin off Joey) are at an all-time high. Given the increase in broadband access the problem can only become greater one would assume. Apparently more illegal movies were downloaded last year than music. South Korea is the biggest culprit, probably because an amazing 60% of the users have high-speed connections. Some 20% of UK web users admitted to the practise, which probably means it is actually a much higer figure since not everyone will put up their hand even in a confidential interview.



Obviously this is hitting film studios and cinemas, not to mention DVD sales. In Europe the high price of new DVDs was cited as a reason for downloading the movie instead, which I can well understand. Personally I almost never buy a DVD when first released - they are simply too damned expensive, being anything from £16 - £20 odd for normal releases or much more for multi-disc sets. Quite frankly they are ridiculously over-priced and I know full well that within a few months the prices will drop and the same title will go for much less or be in a multi-buy offer. Given the fact that 6 months later the same DVD could be 30 or 40% cheaper why would you buy it when it comes out? Right now I would like to get The Last Samurai, but frankly it is not worth buying, even online, for a few months because I know if I buy now while it is new I will be ripped off and the price will drop in just a few months.



I doubt the studios can completely halt this piracy - someone will always want something for nothing after all - but a more coherent and fairer price structure would certainly help, encouraging more folk to buy instead of downloading, if they felt they were getting value for money. I wonder how this will affect the BBC's plans to digitally archive their TV output in the way they now do with radio shows. They plan to archive shows for 7 days and make the download of them free to all, but with safeguards built in so the shows can't be copied or kept for more than a few days. Unlike Tivo-style Sky plus this system would completely free viewers from the schedules since you don't need to set your hard disc machine to record something at a certain time, you just pick what you want from a digital archive. So if you missed something or hear folk at work talking about a great show last night you can get it when it suits you. Pretty nifty, if it all works.



So much for piracy of DVD sales. I am moved to wonder if anyone researching the movie downloads has checked geography as well? Are folk downloading new movie releases more often people who are in a geographical location where they cannot easily get access to a decent movie theatre? And do the ones who do live near cinemas still visit them as well as download? Because my local cinema is always pretty busy despite all thsi downloading. I'm also reminded of the hoo-hah surrounding VCRs back in the early 80s. To begin with you could only rent films, not buy. Studios feared piracy and the death of cinema going if folks owned their own movies at home.



Well, before they sold them some of us did hook up two VCRs and make crude copies, but less so once you could buy for a decent price. And we still went to cinemas which became much better to compete, with ncier seat and better equipment. 25 years later and cinema is going great guns. In the 70s albums came with a skull and crossbones with a cassette underneath saying 'home taping is killing music'. Hands up who taped their albums? And is the music industry still here? Why, yes it is. Obviously digital copies are more of a threat because of the quality, but although people may listen to a burn-copy album they will mostly still buy music too. Similarly with films and DVDs. This is not a new fear and while it is not groundless, it is being hysterically overblown (projectionists armed with night vision goggles to spot camera for Smeg's sake!). What the various - converging - media companies have to do is what they have always done as technology changes and adapt to the new market. After all, most of these companies are owned by vast multi-nationals who are the first to lean on governments to keep the market place free. This by definition also means they have to face new technology and changes in consumer patterns or they will go under. That's what happens in a free market (which they love when it suits them). I'm not condoning piracy but I still reckon given the success of movie companies in the last couple of decades that this is all being overblown. Back in the 50s the sudden spread of TV was to signal the death of cinemas. Companies worried about showing movies on TV despite lucrative money offers in case it broke the undsutry and no-one ever went out to the cinema again. Some studios even owned their own networks. Now we have multi-channel digital movie on demand and still we go to cinemas. And the same companies, by the way, who supply those digital movie services are often the same ones who offer us broadband access to get movie and music downloads faster... Methinks they do protest too much.

Animated



The BBC has a nice animated display and information on the Cassini mission.



Made in Taiwan



Lurking underneath the streets of the Old Town last night in the subterranean Whistle Binkies (where Alex and I once entertained Mr and Mrs Ariel) for my former colleague Fiona's leaving do as she's about to head off to Taiwan to teach English. Fi is also one of our leading Geekettes, still heavily involved in organising the Edinburgh University SF group even after she graduated and a regular at the SF Book Group which Alex and I run at the bookstore (guessing she may miss the next few as its rather a long way to commute).



I was also introduced to a Greek friend of Fiona who is doing a PhD in comparative literature and is especially interested in authors who write either for adults or kids but end up being read by both, such as Phil Pullman. She was quite pleased when I told her that she should come along to our book group in that case since July's meet will discuss the great ursula Le Guin who fits neatly into that crossover between adult and children's fantasy. And August's meeting is Diana Wynne Jones, so same again. And since we're doing Gaiman's The Doll's House from the Sandman series in September I guess we have yet another author who has written for both audiences. Actuall, now I think of it, we're planning Stevenson's Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde for October and gee, there's another writer who straddled the world of adult and children's fiction (and poetry in the case of dear RLS). I hadn't actually considered this coincidence until she told me she was carrying out this study, but it's quite interesting. And considering Whistle Binkies is sandwiched between the underneath of the Old Town street and above the Undercity where the ghost tours walk and nefarious deeds were once rampant it was a fitting place to talk about fantasy and how children and adults both react and interact with the literature of the genre.



Much later, after midnight (yes, I drop this in just to annoy my English chums who still suffer under their dreadfully uncivilised pub hours - I can drink to 3 or 4am without having to go to a club, heh heh!) the band which had been playing a lot of very 50s-style rock'n'roll (kind of appropriate given the amount of Elvis material in the media recently) and the bar staff put on the music system as the band finished. A mixture of material with a lot of White Stripes in there but suddenly a very appropriate song given the occassion as on came the LAs with There She Goes... Have a nice trip, Fi, and do try to avoid being invaded by China.

“The Lord of Beauty enters the soul as a man walks into an orchard in Spring.”



Rumi



For those who don’t know, Rumi was a Persian philosopher in the 13th century. He was also a writer, poet and founder of the movement of the Whirling Dervishes (which for those unfamiliar with them are like normal Dervishes, except they whirl. A lot).





Say I am You



I am dust particles in sunlight.

I am the round sun.



To the bits of dust I say, Stay.

To the sun, Keep moving.



I am morning mist,

And the breathing of evening.



I am the wind in the top of a grove,

and surf on the cliff.



Mast, rudder, helmsman and the keel,

I am also the coral reef the founder on.



I am a tree with a trained parrot in its branches.

Silence, thought and voice.



The musical air coming through a flute,

A spark of a stone, a flickering



In metal. Both candle,

And the moth crazy around it.



Rose and the nightingale

Lost in the fragrance.



I am all order of being,

The circling galaxy,



The evolutionary intelligence,

The lift and the falling away.



What is and what isn’t.

You who know Jelaluddin,



You the one in all,

Say who I am.



Say I am you.



From the Essential Rumi.

Millar on Morgan



Int he regular My Sci-Fi column in the new SFX (where a public figure is asked about their genre favourites) comics star writer Mark Millar (Ultimates, Spider-Man etc) picked one of my (and the Alien Online's) favourites, Richard Morgan. He said: "the best contemporary guy is Richard K Morgan. Reading Altered Carbon was how our dads must have felt when they picked up Carrie and discovered Stephen King." Nice. Makes me even more eager for the new Kovacs novel.

Virtual tour



You can check out some tour shots of the new Scottish Parliament building at Holyrood via the BBC's website. I'm not even going to start on the cost over-runs, except to say every big government project over-runs and over-spends and anyone who really thought the £40 million tag floated by the late Donald Dewar was accurate or feasible is so stupid they should be president of the USA.

Sizzlin' Squirrels!



Scientist have discovered that the humble squirrel can use his/her big, ole bushy tail for more than just looking cute to get nuts out of you. In fact, when faced with a deadly rattlesnake the squirrel waves his tail around while increasing the heat output from it. Rattlesnakes use heat signatures to hom in on prey and warn of potential threats. No, this isn't just Joe at it again, it's real, honest!





Going underground



Well nearly at the end of my first week down in the Pit at work. I've been relocated to 'oversee' the goods-in. Well, that's what I was told in the whole minute Evil Smiling New Boss gave over to 'discussing' the change with me. Not overly happy with the move and even less impressed with the lack of consultation and the fact he made these changes even before he has held his one-on-one chats with staff (he's only been here a couple of months). Seems to me it would make sense to have the chats, get to know your staff then think about moves - preferably in consultation with your staff. I have to wonder why one of the most senior booksellers/buyers is now moved to the stockroom's underground concrete cavern into a post where they neither sell books nor do any of the buying. I'm not knocking goods-in, it's the msot basic function in the business and without it running smoothly the entire sore grinds to a halt. But it does seem to be rather a waste of resources of one of your most senior and experienced staff members. Can't see that it adds anything to my 'career' path either... The cynical part of my brain wonders if it is a plan to make me feel unappreciated and so leave. If so they needn't bother since I have felt that way at Bastardstone's for a long time and would leave tomorrow had I another decent job to go to. Carrying in crate after crate today and then later taking out the empty cardboard for recycling and the trash bags it was, I reflected, nice to know my page-full of qualifications, my four year honours degree and years of skills and experience were being put to such good and fufilling uses.



Not all bad though - at least I can avoid those pesky customers for a while and I can listen to music while I work. Although as we only have a battered old tape-radio in the stockroom I had to look around for some old tapes to play. I've been all-digital for a long time now (bollocks to those who espouse vinyl and tape, I hated both and was first in line for a CD back in 85-86 - vinyl was only ever good for skinning up on at parties). Sneaked a couple of talking books from an incoming pile to listen to as well and managed to fit in the entire BBC radio version of the Hitch-hiker's Guide this week. So, it ain't all bad (except today where my stockroom colleague Kerry (Olly's other half) was too hung over/still drunk and left me to unlaod the bigger deliveries and then lug all the smegging boxes down to the basement all by myself. I would have made a catty comment but she so obviously had a dark hangove cloud over her head I thought better of it. Plus she's bigger than me). Well, if I am to be stuck down in the Pit for a while I guess I may spring to a cheap portable system so I can at least play some CDs. May as well have some enjoyment out of my internal exile.



Speaking of Olly - happy graduation and welcome to the select group of Extremely Clever People, otherwise known as graduates. Never more shall our Olly be referred to sneeringly as a 'little undergrad'. Now, of course, it is his duty to look down on undergrads in the time-honoured fashion.Although I have to take exception to his 'we then had to wake up for work' claim on his blog, since my sources tell me that he nearly didn't make it to his new job (he has a real job outside Waterstone's, the lucky bugger) and only woke up in time because his mum phoned him! heh. This report was not sexed up in any way.

KERRY SELECTS FAMOUS PSYCHIC AS SIDEKICK



Presidential hopeful Senator Kerry has finally announced who his running mate will be for the Democratic Whitehouse ticket. For those unfamiliar with the somewhat cumbersome process of expensive balloon flying that constitutes a US ‘election’ (we use the word advisedly since so many US citizens do not actually get to vote) the term ‘running mate’ does not, as many believe, refer to a chum who joins him when jogging for the cameras as many US politicians do. Rather it describes the position of the Vice Presidential hopeful.



Although it seems unbelievable to the entire rest of Planet Earth, in America there is a real chance of Bush being returned to power, so close is his campaign running with that of Kerry. Therefore Kerry has today pulled a rabbit out of his hat by nominating celebrity psychic John Edwards as his VP nominee. John Edwards is, of course, famous for his many books and his television shows where he channels communications between the living and those who have pass on to the Great Hereafter. It remains to be seen if Mr Edwards will, during the coming campaign months, channel a message from the recently deceased former President Ronald Reagan to comment on Mr Bush’s performance.

Exterminated



Doggone it, there ain't gonna be no Daleks in the new Who show due to the ornery folks negotiating between the Beeb and the late Terry Nation's estate.

Associate



Haven't done the old word association thing from Subliminal for a while:

1. Lounge:: lizard
   
   
2. Photograph:: black and white
   
   
3. Catacomb:: desirable, bijoux residence
   
   
4. Crucifix:: Hisssss!!!! Take it away!!!!
   
   
5. Fire drill:: your're making me ill
   
   
6. Tube:: you're a fuckin'
   
   
7. Dropped:: the ball
   
   
8. LTD:: what???
   
   
9. Panther:: big cat
   
   
10. Formica:: tasteless
    
    

Good:



Rammstein’s video sonne. Nasty Snow White making the dwarves work in a dirty mine to get her diamonds, sexually teasing the little men as she towers over them, flashing her garter and then giving them a good spanking afterwards. The glass coffin scene is very nifty. I always knew that Snow White was a dirty girl. And the less said about Cinderella the better (I’m not one to spread gossip, but a couple of Babychams down her throat, tell her you’re a prince with his own shoe shop and your in). The Little Mermaid is a slapper. But if Sleeping Beauty tries to tell you about me slipping rohipnol into her drink she's a dirty rotten liar. Which brings us to Princess Fiona and Shrek 2 which is pretty good, but a little too much by-the-numbers and not as original as the first one (which is to be expected I guess, but still).



Dan Dare: Mission to Venus (vol 1). The original story from the 50s Frank Hampson Dan Dare. Straight-up boys-own adventure yarn but still wonderful. Colourful, clear graphics of gleaming rocket ships and a shiny future Earth as Dan tries to find new sources of food for the world while dealing with the dastardly Mekon. Of course, the unimaginably distant future that was imagined is now in our past as it was set in the 1990s. How the future used to look…Hard to believe this is classic British SF from the same period that gave us other classic Brit SF like Quatermass. The light and dark flipsides of each other, perhaps?



Singularity Sky’s UK edition finally arrived in the store this week. Nice to have a good display of it out for Charlie to add his moniker to. And Jess at Charlie’s publisher, Orbit, told me that I could expect a proof of his chum, Iain M Banks’ new novel, the Algebraist, in the next few weeks too, his first SF novel in several years so one eagerly anticipated. Second volume of Charlie’s book, Iron Sunrise is due in import form soon with the Orbit edition next February.



Bagging the groovy Vincent Price vehicle the Abominable Doctor Phibes for £4.99 on DVD.



Discovering Vegar actually likes to call his Viking war-axe 'Skullsplitter'. Nice. Admittedly in this more civilised time he tends to use it less for terrorising sea-side monasteries (except on his holidays) and rather more for trimming the garden hedge.



Olly has become the latest to come into Stalag Waterstone’s Escape Committee with a workable escape route back out to the real world of decent work - good on you.



Bad:



Er, my escape plan failed again. Note to self, trying to leap the barbed wire at the Swiss border just doesn’t work.



Indeterminate:



After refit the SF section is finally pretty much back together again and looking smart. But as I am being moved downstairs to the dungeon to ‘oversee’ the goods-in I won’t see much of it, or indeed anything else. On the other hand I can listen to music, avoid customers and mostly work Monday-Friday for a while which is a novelty for me. Just wondering what the hidden agenda is as our new Evil Boss Who Hides Behind Amiable Mask strikes me as the type who has several reasons for what he does when moving staff around, not all of which he tells you or that you would be happy about.



Finding out Pandora (my larger pussycat) can open the bedroom door handle even when I don’t want her to. Impressed with her abilities to leap, hit and turn the handle and push open the door, less impressed by being woken with rough cat tongue on my toes.If it ain't Christina Ricci it ain't worth it.

Boldy going



Remember me mentioning the Cassini-Huygens deep space probe a few weeks ago? Well, as you may have seen from the news pictures today this little robotic emissary of humankind has this morning arrived in orbit around the magnificent, giant world of Saturn. In show business they say you should always make a great entrance. Well, Cassini flew right through the sparkling rings of that enomrous world - swopping right through the Cassini divisions, so to speak. In the week in which I finished reading Two Sides of the Moon (review to follow on the Alien) this was a nice reminder that space exploration, although no longer the headline-grabbing glory it was during the Space Age, is still with us and revealing not only valuable scientific data about other worlds (and thus our own) but displaying something far, far great to humanity, something infinitely more precious than mere data will ever be - a sense of wonder, awe and sheer beauty.



And while some of us ponder the day we travel far, far further than our own solar sytem comes news in New Scientist that perhaps we could have Faster than Light (FTL) travel since it may be that the speed of light, previously almost sacrosanct, may not always have been constant. Guess when folk nostalgicially recall past days when things moved at a slower pace may actually have been saying more than they realised :-).