I’ve just finished reading Reefer Madness by Eric Schlosser, author of the excellent Fast Food Nation. As with his previous work Reefer Madness covers rather more subjects than the title give you to suppose.



Rather than adding to the large body of work on subjects such as the social effects of cannabis use, Schlosser instead examines the economic impact it has on American society. He covers the legal system and the consequences the schizophrenic drug laws in differing states and Federal law have. The most obvious being that the American penal population has swollen dramatically in the last twenty years. There are literally thousands of people banged up for many years for possession of small amounts of cannabis - even family members can be implicated and jailed if another family member is busted. Federal plea bargains encourage a system which is wide open to abuse by justice officials and criminals alike. Some states will jail someone for a cannabis offence and impose a sentence greater than the sentence for manslaughter or rape.



Minimum sentencing - something David Blunkett wants to impose more of in the UK - means that control is taken from the judiciary by politicians, which subverts the entire notion of an independent judiciary free of political pressure in a democratic society. As you may expect the sons and daughters of rich and influential members of society who are caught with dope tend to get a somewhat more lenient sentencing. One senator who campaigns vociferously for heavy sentences for cannabis use had his eldest son busted for not only smoking dope but selling it too. In the same state a man was jailed for a decade for this offence - the senator’s son got a suspended sentence, a fine (which daddy probably paid) and a trip to the substance abuse clinic. A garden supplies merchant and his wife were not so lucky. They did not smoke, grow or sell dope. Their crime? They sold farming equipment to a man who later used it to set up an indoor hydroponics farm for growing dope. They were charged with aiding and abetting. The same laws which allow this stop the families of victims of gun crime from suing the gun shop who illegally sold weapons. The hypocrisy is unbelievable. Meanwhile drug use amongst Americans continues to grow.

In the meantime, as the US economy teeters on the edge of recession, two of the most successful components of the economy are hardcore porn and drugs! Schlosser estimates that the porn industry now approaches Hollywood’s domestic gross - around 10 billion dollars a year. Figures for illegal drugs are obviously estimated, but it is now thought by many that cannabis is now twice as large a cash crop as maize in the US. None of this stops the authorities and religious zealots from riding roughshod over independent justice systems, individual rights, civil liberties and the freedom of expression. Obviously these industries supply a huge demand from the US citizens and yet people involved are still subjected to levels of McCarthyist witch-hunting and the whipping up of moral panics. Ah, Bush’s America, where two of the biggest pillars of the failing economy are drugs and hardcore porno. God bless America! By way of comparison, countries such as the Netherlands who have decriminalised both cannabis and hardcore porn find less crime in those areas. But why let reality interfere with your agenda? Thanks to Aly at Penguin Books for my copy.

Pornography and illegal migrant workers in the farming industry are also covered in Reefer Madness. While right wing scumbags like Pat Buchanan rave on about illegal migration destroying American culture (excuse me, Pat, but wasn’t migration what created America?) the truth is that a massive part of the US workforce is made up of illegal immigrants. People who are prepared to work for low, low wages in appalling conditions, wide open to all sorts of abuses. Without them much of the US economy would grind to a halt. It is in effect a system very similar to the indentured servants system which was used to bring many poor folk to America in the 1700s and 1800s (amazing how many people don’t know their own history). This also has the knock-on effect of driving down the wages for many industries, meaning US citizens also lose out.

I treated myself this weekend to a copy of Roman Dirge’s Lenore: Noogies. It’s a graphic novel collection of the first four issues of the adventures of the cute little dead girl. Very Addams Family and Edward Gorey with a darkly comic tone which is reminiscent of Tim Burton’s gorgeous Melancholy Death of Oyster Boy. I’ve written a full review which has just appeared on the Alien Online. One of the most enjoyable Gothic graphic novels I’ve read since Richard Moore’s wonderful Boneyard and Ted Naifeh‘s Courtney Crumrin and the Night Things(both reviewed previously on the Alien). Roman has a web site you can check out here and there is also a site for his publisher, Slave Labor Graphics.

After one of the crappest days in a series of crap days at work I’m feeling somewhat better. What can you say about a bookstore that has rules as anal as making sure that all the books line up straight on the shelves and have the promotional stickers in the same place? God almighty, they are books, not bloody tins of baked beans! There’s nothing wrong with having some presentational standards, but this is just ridiculous micro-management by anally retentive senior managers who have no real idea of how to sell books, so they create these tasks instead. I really find it incredibly tiring and depressing and demoralising working under these conditions imposed by morons who know a hundreth as much as I do about selling books. Buggered off after work with a little cloud over my head to the excellent Lost Sock Diner for some food and drink with some chums, which lifted my spirits somewhat.



Then today - my day off - and it is finally time to go and see the Matrix Reloaded. All that waiting, all those expectations - how could it possibly live up to those? But I loved it anyway. A much more complex narrative this time round but still layered with multiple references to other tales and increased religious overtones, more action and greater romance. Plus Carrie-Anne Moss in those wonderfully tight leathers. Difficult to say much about the main scenes because I don’t want to ruin it for anyone who hasn’t seen it yet. I’ve sent a review of sorts to Ariel at the Alien and I know he’s planning one too. Stay tuned for an Animatrix review in a couple of weeks on the mighty Alien.

Cool - my mate Lin in Michigan sent me this link to another Woolamaloo site. The University of Woolamaloo, complete with the Bruces of course (for those who don't get ther reference shame on you - go and watch some Monty Python now). For those who wonder Woolamaloo is a real place in Australia, one of my mates visited it on his holiday there (hello, Bob!). It's also a track on French experimental electronic musician Jean Michel Jarre's Zoolook album from the mid 80s.Now you know!

Great story in the Guardian today - apparently Ohio’s state mental health authority is looking for a translator who is fluent in Klingon. Among their patients are some who think Klingon is a ‘real’ language and will only speak the warrior tongue, hence their need for a translator of ‘the galaxy’s fastest growing language.’ Gods but it makes you proud to be a Trekkie :-)



Unfortunately Alex pointed out to me this afternoon that Boing Boing already ran this story and the fact that it is bogus :-). There may well be some mentally unwell patients - nutters to the layman, also know as Andromeda fans - in Ohio mental facilities who gurgle in Klingon, but a full-time translator is not really required. Shame. Meanwhile, as we are all confused by what is real and what is not, the penguins watch us and laugh.



Boing Boing also have a link to a Java version of the text adventure (like we played in the days when Sinclair Computers roamed the Earth) of the Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy. Before those of you too young to recall text adventures sneer, just try it - it was one of the most fiendish games I’ve ever played.

Another day, another new directive from the High Command at our Head Orifice. Today’s wonderful new ploy by the marketing twonks to help wipe the smile of a bookseller’s face: after each and every book sale we are supposed to ask every single customer if they have reserved the forthcoming Harry Potter book.



Now I don’t know about you, but I hate shopping in places where the staff are instructed to work to a script, especially if part of that script is trying to get people to buy something they have shown no interest in. I avoid shopping in places like that ever again in fact. It is also degrading and infinitely depressing for the staff. Needless to say we were less than impressed by this ploy thought up by some marketing fuckwit and spent the rest of the day going round asking “do you want fries with that? Do you want to go Large?”



And before anyone suggests that I should be more ‘retail-wise’ - surely a contradiction in terms - I sell a lot of books. In fact I sell extra books that wouldn’t always sell and I do this by the rather more subtle and professional expedient of knowing a lot about literature and providing reviews and recommendations. This is why one of my recently recommend new titles has sold more in one month on my Recommends display than it did for the preceding month when it was on a company-wide promotion, or why I can sell five times the number of a title than our sister branch at the other end of town. No scripted talk used - it’s all ad-libbed, baby. Any more impromptu and live and it would be on the Fringe

Great enquiry today from a middle-aged American lady today asking if we had a list of ‘that 100 books you should read thing.’ I asked if she meant the shortlist 100 for the BBC’s Big Read and she thought this was it. As it had just been announced late on Saturday evening I obviously had no list to give her on a Sunday morning but helpfully informed her that she could find it in its entirety on the BBC’s webpage. Oh no, she shakes her head, she’s from America and so she couldn’t receive the BBC web there… I tried to point out that a web page isn’t like a TV signal and that it was called the World Wide Web for a reason… She nodded but from her expression she obviously thought I was talking nonsense. “New technology baffles pissed old hack” as they used to say in Private Eye.



And the peak of the Dumb Tourist season is still to come (sighs theatrically). Already we’re getting the bloody annoying ones who won’t leave when you are trying to close late in the evening, no matter how many times you tell them you’re about to close, you’re closing, you’re actually closed, you closed several minutes ago and the staff standing glaring at you in an otherwise empty shop and pointing to their watches are not performing some quaint Scottish custom for your benefit… The tour companies are parking their over-sized Volvo coaches in the cycle lane during rush hour and blocking the bus stops so the folk who work here can’t get to work on time. And as the European coaches are all left hand drive their passenger door is on the right. This means piles of fat, geriatric Germans and Italians embark and disembark on the traffic side of the road, not from the pavement and no they won’t move out of your way when you are on the bike… Each spring I am a cosmopolitan man and by the end of a summer dealing with tourists I am a rabid Xenophobe who thinks pulling the UK out of the EU isn’t going far enough and we should invade them all again… Oh, I love my job

SUICIDE BOMB KILLS DOZENS IN CASABLANCA



Scores of people were injured and killed - some both - in a serious suicide bombing attack in Casablanca in North Africa this weekend. The Prefect of Police, Captain Renaud told the Gazette that he believed the target of the bombers was the popular hangout Rick’s Café Americain. The owner, Rick, was unavailable for comment but a friend of his, Mister Victor Lazlo, told us that the bar was a popular locale for tourists and Casablanca’s citizens alike and that he was shocked at this outrage. Captain Renaud added that the police were making sweeps for more terrorists in the area and would "round up the usual suspects."

Just realised another very obvious problem with the BBC Big Read. Same problem as they have with the Nation’s Favourite Poem votes as well for National Poetry Day - it is skewed and biased. How many Scots are represented in the list? Precious few. Why? Because there are more people in England to cast votes, so as with their Poems votes the results do not necessarily reflect the votes cast in different areas.



Now, before you think I’m just doing the whingeing Scot thing, think about it for a moment. This isn’t a deliberate attempt to disenfranchise Scots, but it still has that result. The London centric universe of the BBC and their 1920s Reithian attempt to ‘shape and unite the nation’ manages instead to highlight London’s complete cultural ignorance of Scotland. Cultural imperialism by ignorance or accident is still cultural imperialism and the BBC is paid for by the taxpayer to represent everyone.



It would be nice to see how the Scottish voters differed. I’m sure many titles would be the same as the main list, but there are an awful lot of gaps there too. I’m pretty sure that in Scotland Muriel Spark would feature highly, but do you see The Prime of Miss Jean Brodie there? No Ian Rankin novels, no Robin Jenkins novels, nothing by George Mackay Brown, Naomi Mitchison, Iain Banks or Lewis Grassic Gibbon? And most scandalous of all no Lanark by writer and artist Alisdair Gray. Considered by many - including me - to be the finest Scottish novel of the twentieth century and one of the best novels of any nation for that century. If you haven’t read it, you really, really should. At the same time we have the annual BBC Proms concert guide to sell in the bookstore. Published by the BBC yet it only covers the London Promenade concerts and not the ones held in Glasgow or Edinburgh - even although BBC Scotland will cover those. And they wonder why we Scots get pissed off with our culturally ignorant neighbours sometimes… (and on that note our chums in Manchester would be right to feel aggrieved at London - with Tony Blair’s connivance - hijacking their Olympic bid for themselves. Just what we need, more events in London, hundreds of miles away form the rest of the population whose taxes paid for it). Thus endeth the rant for today.

Crikey, Ariel just sent this to me - seems one of my recent articles on the Alien has made an impression amongst the SF community.Check out Locus Online.

So after saying that compilation lists of best-loved books are a bit of a waste of time (and going on to talk about it at length) I now feel like listing some of my own. We were discussing at work what the list would look like if people voted genuinely for only books they really loved and not for the ones they thought they should (although some obviously did - Jeffrey Archer is in there for smeg’s sake!). So over the next little while I’m going to pick some of the books I’ve loved over the years and won’t be restricting myself to fiction.



Robert the Bruce by Charlotte Bingham. There are a hell of a lot about Scotland’s greatest warrior-king but Bingham manages to combine an informative historical biography of the Bruce and his turbulent times with genuine readability. It could almost be a historical epic novel, beginning with scheming, almost Machiavellian nobles prepared to sell their own grandmothers to advance themselves. Slowly in the shadow of Wallace Robert the Bruce goes from a selfish man obsessed with winning the crown to being a murderer, then a king who is an outlaw, hunted across the land, struggling against the odds and finally the heroic knight and symbol of Scottish freedom, engaged in knightly single combat and in epic-scale battle that defines the future of nations - a classical heroic journey.



Absorbing, thrilling and ultimately inspiring as it closes on this legendary life with the Declaration of Arbroath -a document which began as propaganda to plead the Scottish case to the Pope. Since that time in 1320 this document (still on display today) has become as legendary as the Bruce himself with a simple cry for freedom and liberty that still inspires today. Centuries later it would influence another remarkable document that was ahead of its time - the American Declaration of Independence. It speaks of the importance of the ‘community and the realm’ and makes clear that the nation is more important than any one person, even the king - a revolutionary piece of thinking for the medieval period and one I think is born of our Celtic roots. The Declaration of Arbroath is also available on it’s own in a lovingly translated edition which has English, Gaelic and BroadScots along with the original Latin.



“We fight not for honour, riches or glory, but only for that freedom which no man surrenders save with his life… For as long as a hundred of us are left alive we will in no way yield to tyranny.”



More as they come to mind...

Today we were trying to set up a display of 100 books from the BBC’s Big Read in the bookstore. A list of thousands was eventually whittled down by votes to 100 (the autumn sees the top 20), although unfortunately it covers only novels. The Beeb has done a pretty good job in pushing the Big Read however, and even if these compilations are a little useless it is still good to see literature being highlighted and celebrated so publicly.



Glancing over the list today - see the BBC web pages for the whole list - I was not terribly surprised to see a lot of the usual suspects cropping up, as they have in all the other lists compiled during my years in the book trade. To be sure there are some damned good books in there regardless. Animal Farm, the Great Gatsby, David Copperfield, Catch 22, Catcher in the Rye, Winnie the Pooh and others. As someone who has long been immersed in the consciousness-expanding genres of SF and fantasy I was delighted to see how many such titles are in the list (proof if any be needed that these are far from being minority interest niche genres, so publishers, booksellers and writers please pay attention and stop ghettoising them).



Obviously Lord of the Rings is in there (it came top in the Waterstone’s book of the 20th century a few years back). Terry Pratchett is in there (as he should be, being one of the biggest selling authors in the UK) and he tied with the wonderful Jacqueline Wilson for the most titles nominated. Stephen King is in there (although personally I detest the Stand as a piece of overblown, simple-minded tosh), the Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe by C.S. Lewis, Raymond E Feist’s Magician (from the days when he was good and not milking tie-in novels to his games). Animal Farm and 1984 are excellent examples of fantasy and SF respectively to push the envelope of socio-political commentary and cautionary warning - plus they are damned good tales to boot. No apologies to the shocked literati out there gasping on their TLS - those Orwell novels are SF&F. Alice in Wonderland, Brave New World, A Christmas Carol, Pullman’s Dark Materials trilogy, Hebert’s Dune, Peake’s excellent, brooding masterpiece Gormenghast, Adams and the Hitchhiker’s Guide and Rowling Harry Potter novels (although personally I loathe them). Niche genre my butt! How many of these account for the top sales in the UK and abroad?

JFK’s secret love affair revealed after 40 years. Not exactly a shocking revelation to find that Jack Kennedy shagged even more women behind Jackie’s back than previously revealed. The difference between this particular notch in the Kennedy bed post and his other serial philandering was that ‘Mimi’ was a 19 year old intern at the Whitehouse. Does this sound remarkably similar to a rather more recent Democratic President?



In the 60s the press corps were prepared to turn a blind eye to these Carry-On style romps, unlike today’s media and the public culture which respectively supply and demand sleaze with an insatiable appetite. In the 60s the media and the women involved both thought they should keep their mouths closed, unlike Monica Lewinski (and presumably got their dresses dry-cleaned if they had kept their mouths open but didn’t follow through).



How much of the difference between these eras is due to the erosion of public respect for the institutions of government? How much is due to the erosion of public respect for the institutions of government caused by these kinds of revelations about leaders who can’t keep it in their pants? And then there is the question of what extra marital affairs have to do with a president’s work - why do we care if they are always on the job as long as they actually do their job as well? Surely anything else is a matter for the philanderer and his wife? While I am all for the Fourth Estate investigating and revealing executive abuses of power, but surely there are more important matters than who they boned on the Oval Office desk? I mean this is not exactly Woodward and Bernstein, is it? So different in France where President Mitterand’s mistress was invited to the state funeral.



Still, the BBC pointed out one wonderfully delicious coincidence in this ‘new’ expose: while this was all going on guess which young student was introduced to his hero, Jack Kennedy? A young man named Bill Clinton. History does indeed have a sense of humour. The saddest part of this whole tawdry tale is that I am now contemplating becoming the leader of a major nation in a desperate attempt to get some more sex. And I want them to write about it! Tell the world!



“Ask not what your country can do for you; ask how many of your countrywomen you can do.”

Scotland is no longer a Christian nation. Must be true, the Pope said so and he’s infallible apparently. Perhaps listening to a dribbling, ancient and possibly senile old man lecture on all aspects of their lives from sex to raising their kids (what does an octogenarian celibate know about these anyway?) is one of the things which have turned people away from the church? Have the centuries of intolerance of other religions, women’s rights and homosexuality boxed the Christian religions into a medieval corner while the rest of society evolves into the 21st century? According to BBC Newsnight Scots are four times more likely to go to an arts event than the church.Perhaps artistic appreciation is what our souls now crave, not virgin births and Bibles which contradict their own teachings in different chapters. I’m not going to get into an extended diatribe on belief systems but I will say that the degradation of archaic systems of belief is an immense relief to me.



Spiritual belief is a personal issue and I cannot understand how an organised church can possibly cater to an interval’s soul. If there is a god of some sort then you don’t need anyone in a funny collar to mediate between you and the divinity. And if there isn’t a god (and gee maybe no fairies in the garden either, why is belief in one accepted and the other ridiculed?) then perhaps people will learn to develop and live by their own moral standards and take responsibility for their own actions to others.

Do you ever have one of those days? Giraffes are swimming in the ocean while penguins chase zebras across the Serengeti. Hippos are climbing trees while the chimps play in the river. Tony Blair was honest and George Bush was kind to people who weren’t rich oil barons. I’m either dreaming or have slipped into a bizarre alternative dimensional reality where things just ain’t right. I need a drink.

Enquiry of the Month goes to the elderly man with the long, straggly beard. In a time of many a stupid question he takes the ship's biscuit for asking me where he could obtain in Edinburgh an 18th century sextant. Bear in mind I work in a bookstore, not a store specialising in purveying the finest navigational instruments of previous eras. When I told him I had no idea and that if anyone did have an 18th century sextant for sale it would most likely be at Christie's Acution Rooms he was not amused. Shaking his greasy grey hair and ratty beard he explained to me that he was, of course, looking for a shop which sold replica 18th century sextants. Ah, I thinks, why didn't you say that the first time? Have you tried Ye Olde Sextant Simulacra Store on the Canongate? It's run by the Sea Captain from the Simpsons when he's not filming the series... I love working with the public...

The Celtic Kama Sutra



The miraculous and ancient shagging techniques passed on through the centuries, the love secrets of the Celts. This manual on better loving includes the many exotic practices and fascinating techniques and positions practised by our Celtic ancestors, including:



Raising the Sporran



The Kinky Kilt



Tossing the Caber



The Mighty Claymore



Stuffing the Haggis



The Highland Fling



Scottish Sword Dancing (for ladies with multiple male partners only)



The Boudica (for the more dominant lady)



The Gathering of the Clans (for real swingers only, yeah, baby, yeah!)



The Celtic Kama Sutra is researched and written by Doctor Hamish MacDeevyant, lecturer in Classical and Ancient Shagging at the University of Woolamaloo (Auchterarder Annex).

Checking out Padraig's blog (a fellow Alien crewmember) and came across this link to a wonderful quiz designed tolet you know, through a few simple questions, who your inner murderer is. Which infamous killer are you? Take the test and find out! My results are below - blood-drinking fiend that I am this seems most appropriate for me, as anyone who knows me will probably agree :-)




You are Elizabeth Bathory. (The bloodcountess)
Legend tells us that you, this very rich,
beautiful and high born woman tortured and
murdered some 650 young women and bathed in
their warm blood to keep yourself beautiful.

In some stories, it is said you have drank thier
blood as well. You were a sexual sadist on a
grand scale.

Ah vanity is your downfall. For shame!



Which Imfamous criminal are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

SeX-Men 2. Join the erotic adventures of our sexually super-charged superheroes. Professor seX runs a school which helps these erotically powerful mutants come to grips with their powers (and we do mean come!). The professor is a powerful telepath who can use his mind to find the most intimate fantasy of any person.



Spyclops: He has a mutated visual capacity which allows him to see through walls and people’s clothes. He’s in love with Jean Gay but is constantly distracted by his super-voyeuristic powers, especially when he passes the girl’s shower room.



Jean Gay: a beautiful telekinetic woman who can use her powers to manipulate her lovers. She is aware of Spyclop’s love but his repeated voyeurism has driven her into the arm of Sappho.



Stormgasm: A stunning female mutant who can summon and focus the power of the ultimate orgasm in any living being.



Dildorine: A hairy mutant of enormous strength and stamina. This makes him an incredible shag-beast, added to which he has retractable dildos on his hands to stimulate multiple partners.



Vogue: the young fashion model turned super-heroine who can suck the sexual energy from any lover.



Clitique: A shape-changing mutant woman who can become any lover you want.



Muffnito: the leader of the bad mutants, gifted with the power to manipulate women’s genitalia using only his mind powers.



SeX-Men 2 is a roller coaster of action, romance and lots of hot shagging, plus some S&M (well what did you think all that leather was for?) directed by Brian Sinner of the Usual Shagspects fame.

X-Men 2 - damn it’s a good movie! Action, drama, cool effects and a coherent script with some disturbing parallels to the folk panics created after recent events and the manipulation of them as a justification for the use of force against those who are ‘different’. Just sent my review into Ariel so it should be up on the mighty Alien in a few days (now that poor old Ariel has recovered from Microsoft’s tender mercies).

Windy, windy weather and sudden rain squalls after our little burst of sunny weather. The blossoms on the trees near my flat and on Princes Street are falling as the leaves grow out. A small shower of white and pink petals covering the pavement in random floral patterns. Tonight as I came home the wind caught the fallen blossoms and whipped them up into the air. They arced up and around me, spiralling, diving, soaring - it was if the fallen petals were dancing for me, a last little burst of joy in their brief lives, spreading colour and perfume through the air. Think on the dancing polythene bag caught in an updraft in American Beauty and you can get close to the idea. A tiny moment of dynamic and ephemeral beauty in the fading evening sunlight.

If I may take a leaf from Matthew’s web-book and point you in the direction of an excellent story in today’s Guardian. Choice Point, the information company behind the disenfranchising - accidentally of course - of thousands of US citizens during the 2000 presidential elections in Florida are back in the news.



Choice Point have been paid millions of the American taxpayer’s dollars by the Bush government (who they helped into power) to gather data on the citizens of other nations. No, we’re not talking about criminals, drug lords or terrorists here - they want info on every person in these countries, most of which are friendly nations. They have allegedly secured the entire electoral register of Mexico - a grossly illegal and immoral act - and are gathering data on the date of birth, employment, education, marital status, bank and passport details etc. of all adult citizens in countries like Mexico, Nicaragua, Argentina and others. We have to assume Western Europe is on that list too. Quite why Uncle Sam requires this information on every citizen of neighbouring lands is not clear. Perhaps as with the spying on their own citizens - authorised by the so-called Patriot Act - it is to protect us from the Bad Men. Intercepting their own citizen’s emails and scanning their bank accounts while checking credit card details of tourist coming into the city and compiling dossiers on people all around the world - who are they protecting us from?



And who is going to protect us from them? If knowledge is indeed power our leaders - the British government is eyeing these moves up and planning an amended snooper’s charter that Blunkett tried to get through parliament last year - then our leaders are determined to get as much power over us as they can. Big Brother is alive and well long after 1984, complete with sinisterly-named Orwellian ministries, such as the Ministry of Homeland Security - eroding your rights to protect you. Spying on your citizens and allies, illegal obtaining of confidential data by suspect organisations, suspension of your democratic rights - who exactly is the bad guy now? Andy why do the American citizens stand for these repeated violations of all that is sacred to the American spirit? Keep reading and making your voice heard, people, we need to let these smeggers know we have teeth and that we’re watching them. We’re plugged into the planet, we’re smart and we have got power too - and nobody is going to take it from us without a fight, least of all our own ‘elected’ representatives.

How nice to see Saint Tony throwing off the advice of his heathen spin doctors this week to nail his devout Christian colours to the mast. Now most of our US chums will be used to their politicians invoking God, but it is not the done thing in the UK; frankly we find it a little embarrasing. I have no problem with anyone’s religious beliefs - it is a fundamental right after all - as long as they keep it to themselves and don’t stick it in my face. What’s worrying is that Tony is talking to God and making decisions of world importance based on these ideas. He’s prepared to face his maker on Judgement Day and answer to God for the innocent lives lost as a result of his decisions in the Iraq War.



Well, that is all very nice for Tony (not sure God wants to know about him, frankly and from what I recall of Jesus he certainly won’t want to meet him, he was for turning the cheek not cluster bombing civilians). However, as far as I am aware, God Almighty is not a registered voter in any UK constituency. I and many hundreds of thousands - indeed millions - of others who opposed the war and spoke out or demonstrated against it and are registered voters. Blair in his sanctimonious smugness and arrogance chose deliberately to ignore all of us. I think perhaps that he should be judged by the people of this country before any mythical deity gets a shot at the smegger. And you have to admit it is a nice touch - a fine way to help persuade Muslims around the world that this wasn’t a war on Islam, a new Crusade. Invoke the Christian god in your reasoning for killing Muslims. Hmmm, that is really going to help…

May Day holiday - except I’m working on a late shift (after already doing a full weekend, thank you very much). Just to boost my moral and incetivise me one of the assistant managers, instead of a ‘hello’ or ‘how was the weekend shift’ or ‘hey, you got this, this and that done, great’, started within 30 seconds of my arrival to bitch and moan and generally be a bad-tempered wee bugger. Apparently Alex got the same on arriving for the early shift, as did another colleague. Way to motivate and inspire your team to work, especially on a holiday…



Between grumpy managers and bullshit memos arriving endlessly from head office and our area manager we don’t actually get much time to sell books anymore. Directives arrive constantly - move these books here, move them back again, no, we don’t like that, space them out differently on the shelf - we even get told how many we can put on what shelves and where and get told off if we affix a special offer sticker that isn’t in the correct corner of the book cover and straight on - yes they are that bloody anal. No wonder the quality and range of the books in the store suffer - we don’t have time for real bookselling duties! I recall when we used to be a real group of professional booksellers (sighs). I hate my job and my firm is a mindless, uncaring amalgamation of Dilbert’s Pointy Haired Boss and the smegging Borg.

It's official - in a poll to mark the 40th anniversary of the Beatles' first Number One William Shatner has been voted as 'singing' the worst ever cover version of a Beatles number. Anyone who has heard Shatner's Transformed Man knows just how godawful our favourite Starship ham is in the singing game - just one step up form Leonard Nimoy's Ballad of Bilbo Baggins. Shatner's cover of Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds beat Pinky and Perky's All My Loving, which in turn beat Gareth Gates and his fellow crapster Will Young. Details on the BBC news site.

SCOTTISH PARLIAMENT IN DISARRAY AFTER APATHY PARTY SWEEP TO VICTORY



The political foundations of Scottish democracy were shaken to its core after the election results for May 1st were counted. The ruling Labour party lost seats while the principal opposition, the Scottish Nationalists, bizarrely also lost seats. The Scottish Socialist Party and the Green Party jumped from being one-trick ponies to having a brace of MSPs each, plus four more independent MSPs took seats from the main parties. However, the biggest winner in the Scottish parliamentary and local government elections were the Apathy Party.



With a high - and we use the word advisedly - water mark of around 59% in a few areas and dipping to just under 40% in others a huge groundswell of support of the Apathists has carried them on and into government. So what are the policies of the Apathy Party? Unfortunately this is a mystery to even your intrepid investigators here at the Woolamaloo Gazette. Throughout the month-long campaign season the Apathy Party did not make a single statement, hold a single press conference or make a single electoral broadcast. In fact even the BBC’s Brian Taylor could not track down their spokesperson, party leader or even their office. Some say they don’t really exist, but the truth is that they just can’t be bothered turning up anywhere and certainly can’t be arsed to run the country.



This naturally leaves Scottish democracy in something of a quandary - either the election results favouring the Apathists by a vast majority are ignored in order to install a government that can at least turn up for work (although not necessarily do any better job than the absent Apathists), which would mean breaking the election rules. This would mean overturning a democratic election in a way not seen since Richard Nixon and Henry Kissinger arranged for President Allende to be overthrown or since Jeb Bush gave George Bush Florida. It could also lead to cries of electoral irregularities and could lead to Jimmy Carter coming in and kicking some parliamentary ass. The other option, to go with the proper result, leads to a governing party that has no policies and indeed no members who will bother to turn up at Holyrood. If this spreads to the rest of Britain by the next Westminster election we could have no leadership at all at any level, leading to Anarchy in the UK. Some argue that this is not so very different from the present system. Others have speculated that this may be an improvement and that a more apathetic Britain would be a kinder, gentler place (for starters we couldn’t be bothered to go bomb other nations).

Seriously, it was dreadful to see just how few folks bothered to get off their fat arses and go and vote. They are all happy to moan in the pub about how bad a job the politicians are doing and how they never listen to anyone, but can’t actually bother to go and vote. If you didn’t bother to vote then you ain’t got no grounds to bitch about the buggers!



The good news is that, thanks largely to the second or list vote and its proportional representational component, those of us who did bother to vote actually did change things. We changed the normal big party rules of British politics. We have a brace of Green MSPs, Scottish Socialists and several independents, one of whom stood in my parent’s constituency in order to defend a major hospital in Glasgow. What’s so important about this hospital? Apart from the fact that closing it due to ‘reorganisation’ will mean north Glasgow and the towns around it will have to go a lot further for emergency treatment (pretty crucial in an emergency) and a big deal considering the huge population in and around Glasgow. The hospital - Stobhill - is also a site of historical significance, largely due to the fact that in 1967 I was born there. People using the system to voice the arguments they want, not what the spin doctors want and try to effect change. The big parties are going to have brakes applied to their ideologies and have to be more responsive to the people - just a pity more of the people didn’t actually vote. Still, at least we don’t have a bunch of smegging neo-Nazi BNP hatemongers.

Happy Beltane to everyone! The ancient Celtic rite of spring, welcoming the return of the fertility to the land and the easy availability of outdoor drinking for the summer. True to course it pissed down! And this year we didn't have the usual Beltane Fire Festival on Calton Hill because Edinburgh City Council are a bunch of eejits and screwed it all up over costs. They are more than happy to spend huge amounts of the local taxpayer's cash on events for the tourists but not on the people who actually live here (and pay their bloody wages). Yes, the modern version may not be 'historically accurate' (but then this goes back to way before the Romans ever came here so no-one knows exactly what happened at the ceremony) but it is enormous fun. Fire jugglers, the Green Man, several Red Men, a May Queen, sprites, dancers, drummers, drink, drugs, snogging and laughter - it certainly has the spirit of the old pagan festival. What do you mean, how do I know? Because I'm Celtic, so there :-)! We know these things and if anyone disagrees they can chew on an Irn Bru bottle. Still, a happy Beltane to you all and may the Earth Goddess or the deity of your choice spread peaceful blessings on you as the world rotates into summer.



Passed the old cemetery nearby a couple of evenings ago and the huge, gnarled old tree (the one with the bat in it) which hangs right over the wall is slowly awakening from it's winter slumber (just in time for the Beltane). It's an amazing old tree, fantastically twisted, branches reaching out over the wall to caress the roof of passing double decker buses. Green is reappearing as it comes back to life for another year, like seeing an old friend again.Took all of this rebirth of the land thing to mean one of two things: 1) I must ride forth and find the Holy Grail. Onc Arthur has drunk from it the land and he will be reborn. Fussy bugger, why he couldn't just have a decent dram... 2) I should use my list vote for the Scottish parliament to vote for the Greens. Discharged my civic and demcoratic duty. Not overly mad on the election system, but as Matthew observes, you have to use what voice you have. He's obviously on his poitical high horse today (anything to avoid studying), you should have a look.My political high horse is eating hay as we speak, so I had to use my mountain bike instead. It doesn't look as good, but it doesn't crap all over the road either (although that may be a way of getting back at idiot drivers).