CELEB IN SLAMMER



Shockwaves ran through the American middle classes this week, causing net curtains to twitch violently as the darling of the aspirational classes, Barfa Whoreit, was found guilty of dealing in insider flares. Despite an outwardly staid appearance which would make a Laura Ashley girl proud, Barfa Whoreit was secretly dressing up in 60s and 70s fashions and slumming it in retro discos. One piece of evidence the Fashion Police displayed in the court case were a pair of flares measuring a staggering 23 inches in diameter. Lurid purple was often matched up with fluorescent orange clothing. Barfa Whoreit, the upright symbol of middle-class America was found guilty of hypocrisy, extreme poor taste, exposing middle class aspirations for the hollow sham they really are (a state secret since this dream helps keep the population in line) and for dealing in insider flares. It also emerged that Ms. Whoreit covertly ran another magazine, funded by profits from her mainstream journal Superduperliving. This magazine, called BadassUnliving dealt exclusively with dark S&M bondage and neck biting fetishisms. It seems the mistress of clean living had more than one dark side to her squeaky clean life: florid disco dancing one weekend, whipping amd biting the next then back to chintz curtains. I know which of those I consider most evil.