Flying flu

As Europe shivers in anticipation of a supposedly imminent invasion of virulent migrating fowls we at the Gazette look into the reality behind this latest health scare. Governments and the mass media have colluded to inflame a public sense of panic at the imminent threat; as with the terrorist threat it serves the authorities in shoving through ever more controls and restrictions in citizens and helps the media shift more papers. But none of them are telling you the truth, dear readers.

Once again it is up to the intrepid staff of the Gazette to expose the Truth. And what a tangled web of conspiracies it is. The outbreak of bird flu in Asia Minor which lead to an EU ban on turkeys from Turkey is supposedly caused by birds migrating from Asia, where the disease has been common. Indeed Jack Straw is already using this as another reason to control the flow of immigrants into Europe and Fortress Britain while Tony Blair claims that mandatory ID cards in the UK would protect us from avian flu because terrorists and illegal immigrants who all carry unclean fowl with them wouldn’t have such ID and would be stopped, thus saving Blighty from devilish foreign shenanigans.

However, it is not that simple; certain elements of the EU community are using this ‘crisis’ not only to garner more powers to government bodies but to play the politics game. Doesn’t it seem suspicious that the first two nations to be struck are both eastern nations who are considering EU membership – a memberships that those EU nations closest to them are highly resistant to. The fact that a mass outbreak, cull and ban on exports has hit Turkey while it is in actual negotiations with the EU is remarkable – could it be that it isn’t only diseased birds certain EU governments are trying to keep out of Europe’s supposedly open borders?

Ah, but the conspiracy is even deeper than that, as Romania shows. A mysterious outbreak in parts or rural Romania; the animals swiftly slaughtered and disposed of efficiently. Simple commonsense caution or something more? Those familiar with history will be aware that Romania has long been the heart of world vampirism. Not the literary form of vampires with pale-faced aristocrats in frilly-fronted shirts but the dull-witted, almost mindless revenant peasant variety of folklore. And a defining characteristic of that kind of primitive vampirism in areas such as Romania (which, remember, treats Vlad Dracul as a national hero) is attacks on livestock.

Today we are told that superstitious villagers mistook forms of disease and plague for vampiric attacks, but now we must ask ourselves, did they perhaps know something we don’t? Something the European authorities don’t want us to know? And is it a natural phenomenon or the result of a scientific project gone dreadfully wrong? Were European scientists experimenting with ancient strains of Romanian blood tainted with the vampiric virus? Coming soon we examine how the Warren Commission and the assassination of President Kennedy are tied in to the whole Romanian vampire cover up and the supposed pandemic of bird flu from the East…