I know I haven't posted for a while, folks, but I'm afraid my world has been turned upside down and pulled inside out and I feel like my heart has been too. I went to bed on Sunday 30th of March content after a pleasant late afternoon chatting to friends over drinks in my favoured haunt of the Caley Sample Room. And in the small, dark hours of the following morning a phone call, a sinking feeling because no-one phones at 3am for good news. Stagger out of bed, grab phone, its my dad. Its my dad more disraught than I've ever known him and through tears he's telling me we just lost my mum. I don't understand what's going on - I'm half asleep, mum wasn't in the pink but nothing serious that we knew of, what's going on, what does he mean. I'm still in shock shortly after as my cousin and uncle arrive to take me home to Glasgow, driving through the dark and I'm praying please let this be a bad dream, please let me wake up, please let me wake up, please let me wake up. It wasn't. We just buried my beautiful, warm, loving mother a couple of days ago and I feel like someone's ripped a chunk of my soul out.
I came home to Edinburgh today for the first time in over a week and when I checked my emails there was one from my mum, sent on that Sunday, which I hadn't seen because I had been out all day and because I never checked the following day because I was sitting back in Glasgow in shock with my dad wondering how this had happened to us so shockingly suddenly and why was it happening to us. She just got online a few weeks ago and was so proud about emailing the relatives in Canada and elsewhere. It was just one, short line, asking how I was and telling me her and dad had just booked their summer holidays - in fact there are two new cases they bought on Saturday lying unused in my room back home. It finishes 'see you Wednesday' - they were coming through to visit their wee boy and drop off his Easter egg. I didn't get to see her. Instead I saw her in the hospital and the spark that made her my mum was gone from her. And its not bloody fair, she was 61, her and dad retired only a year and I want to scream at the world for taking her from us. I wanted her to get up so badly, I touched her beautiful red hair and kissed her and she didn't get up and we had to leave her in that place. It feels like we've lived a year in the last nine or ten days, so damned hard and more than anything I need a cuddle from my mum and I can't have it and that's breaking my heart. I can't write anymore just now, its too raw and everytime I think I'm getting a grip something else will set me off again, I feel like my heart's made of glass. I wanted to write, to let some of it out but its just too hard right now.
Joe, I'm so sorry. My mum died 9 years ago unexpectedly age 54 and I know how completely fucked up you must be feeling.
ReplyDeleteIf you want to talk, I am very happy to talk to you on MSN, or phone. I know we have never met except on the blogs but maybe you might find it easier to talk, cry, moan or just swear and curse at me and get it all out to someone who is more distant from it all. Just mail me for contact details
Stay strong mate, your dad needs you right now.
My condolences to you and your family.
Pete
(therealteardrop)
I am so sorry Joe, I couldn't read and not send a message.
ReplyDeleteJoe, I am very sorry for your sad loss. My heart goes out to you and your Dad. Its a terrible time you must be going though just now, the pain wont last forever but the fond memories of your Mum will stay. Our Thoughts are with you and your family.
ReplyDeleteHi Soap you know who this is. Remember we will always be here for you and Joe.God bless Aunty Pat.
ReplyDeleteJoe, so sorry to hear about your Mum. Life is a bitch - random and cruel. Take care of yourself and try not to think too far ahead just now - a day at a time is plenty.
ReplyDeleteHugs from Inverness
Really sorry to hear this, Joe.
ReplyDeleteDear Joe, so sorry to hear this, it's not fair. Big hugs to you and your dad. G texted me to let me know.
ReplyDeletelove from Yvonne
Just wanted to say how sorry I am, Joe.
ReplyDeleteHi Joe. I am an avid reader. Sorry to hear about your mum. My husband lost his father in November at 67. It's so hard. The pain will get less, but there will always be a part missing.
ReplyDeleteThinking of you and your family...
Shannon from Nova Scotia
Hi Joe
ReplyDeleteI am so very sorry to hear about your mum.
There is little I can say that will help but so long as you know there are people out there who are thinking of you. Take care
K
Hey Joe, a sad thing to read.
ReplyDeleteLost my Dad 6 years ago and it's the most hollowed-out, desolate feeling in the world. But, know this: the wound does heal and, in some way (that's difficult to articulate) your Mum will always be with you.
All the best, stay strong.
Ken.
My condolences Joe
ReplyDeleteHi Joe,
ReplyDeleteI've never posted before although I read your blog all the time. I just wanted to express my sincerest sympathies at your loss. My thoughts are with you and your Dad. I wish I could be there to hug you in person.
Nancy
Oh, Joe, I am so sorry.
ReplyDeleteWords fail me, so I will remind you of the wonderful, warm words you left for me when I was missing my dad something terrible:
"Having to go on after losing someone is probably the hardest thing to do in life. Always feels wrong that the sun comes up the next day, that the world is still turning without them and everyone else is walking around as normal and yet at the same time that normality is kind of a lesson in itself too... There's no easy way to deal with it and no words that really make it any better; sometimes the best thing in the world is just a big, warm hug when you need it, so have one."
*hugs Joe*
There's more big, warm hugs here when you need them, Joe.
Best regards, always,
Anne
Sincere condolences.
ReplyDeleteMake your mum living forever by not forgetting her at any time.
I am sorry.
ReplyDeleteI want to offer a supportive comment but the topic terrifies me every time I think about it.
Dear Joe,
ReplyDeleteI am a mother of a thirty something son, who adores me ..
I am also a daughter who lost her mum at 63.
So, I do understand, but I am talking as a mum now, so my dear lad, please pick yourself up and start to live again !
I would NOT want my son to 'stop living' when I pass over, it would simply break my heart !
She must have been 'over the moon' and very happy being able to understand and work with a PC - and send you an E-mail. (instead of empty boxes, like I used to ..)
No matter how many years you've had together, the love was there, and she must have felt it, mothers know such things.
Your tears do her honour, now let time do the healing.
You will still keep on hurting in years to come, but so will your love for her.
And slowly, the good memories sweep away the 'aching' ones ..
You are allowed to greaf, please don't be mad at me for speaking to you like this, my heart goes out to you. {{{ big hug }}}
Joe, I check back often to see if you are back online but I am sure everytime you go to write you see your last post and it brings it all back.
ReplyDeleteI think you describe your feelings beautifully , I can feel the hurt in your words.
I am so very sorry for your loss and hope that sometime soon you get back to writing a post.
LookJohn