GOVERNMENT'S TERROR BILL EXPLAINED

Our readers have been understandably confused over the political ping-pong played between the government and the opposition, Commons and Lords over the new Terror Bill this week. Always eager to serve our readers the Gazette's political team (absolutely none of whom have ever had a drink with Andrew Neil, no sir) have tried to sort out the simple facts from the political morass.

Why are the government trying to force through a new Terror Bill? Well, put basically the existing Terror legislation brought in in the wake of 9-11 is about to expire. If a new bill is not passed quickyl the United Kingdom may well run out of Terror. Naturally this would be a national disaster since the electorate may then raise their heads from their government-supplied ostrich holes and have a look around.

Worse still they may even ask questions, such as why have we been holding people without charge for years in a democratic, law-abiding society? If the 'deadly terrorist threat' prisoners being held can't actually be proven to be guilty of anything, people may ponder, perhaps either the prisoners haven't actually done anything or else our intelligence services are either incompetent or just maliciously jailing people without the pesky need for a trial. They mey even, if they are terribly unpatriotic, question why Her Majesty's Government think they need a bill which would allow a politician to have people imprisoned without proof or trial. And not just those pesky foreigners, but British citizens.

But, gentle reader, consider the government's position. Without a new requisition of state-approved Terror our New World Order would collapse and lead to chaos with individuals carrying out acts of violence randomly, rule of law breaking down or being subverted in many countries and powerful nations using their vast reserves of forc to violently achieve their global agenda. Oh, wait a minute....

Oh well, if nothing else it has given the nation the enjoyable spectacle of the doddering, ancient relics in the House of Lords (most of whom make the Pope look like a spry tennis coach), possibly the most reactionary institution in the land, fighting Blair's sledgehammer tactics until 6am this morning. A rare cheer for the Lords, we say. Enjoy it while it last - if the government gets its way who knows who will be the first citizen to be rounded up without trial? Could penning a satirical article on HMG be seen as a clear threat to the Security of the Realm? Could the Gazette team end up staring out the barbed wire of an old army camp on Barra and shuffling around un leg irons alongside Mark Thomas, Rory Bremner and Ian Hislop? Well, at least it would be a fre seaside holiday...