THAT GOVERNMENT TERROR HANDBOOK

Many of our readers have been somewhat alarmed by the news that the government is issuing a handbook to every household to guide people on how to deal with and survive a terrorist attack in the UK. The stated aim of this expensive exercise is supposedly to calm the fears of the British public (caused largely by government ministers constantly telling us that a dreadful attack is imminent and that they are unlikely to be able to protect us). Far be it from us to point out that each time Tony Blair’s government dips in popularity (Butler Report – terror handbook comes out; Iraq war – army tanks at Heathrow to thwart ‘imminent’ attack) there is a miraculously timed reminder of how vulnerable we all are and how it may be a jolly good idea to support whatever measures the government deigns to take.

So what exactly is in this handbook?

Stock up on tinned food. Not only does this ensure a supply of food which will not spoil, unlike frozen food reliant on electricity, you can use the cans to protect yourself and your family; should some bearded fundamentalists come down your street brandishing their AK-47s then you can deal with them by throwing your tins at them. As any soldier knows a well-aimed tin of Heinz Cream of Tomato Soup is more than a match for an AK-47, especially since most Muslim terrorists only know how to fire their guns into the air in an excited manner. This poses little threat to civilians, as long as they remember to dodge the falling pigeons. It is recommended that can-throwing patriots aim directly between the eyes of the terrorist since their turbans and vast beards may otherwise absorb much of the impact. For those who live in high buildings, if the power is cut don’t let your frozen food go to waste – a frozen chicken dropped from a fourth storey window can do serious damage to an unwary fundamentalist.

Citizens should stock up on bottled water. Patriotism should be expressed by purchasing only fine mineral water from the British Isles (none of that Cheese Eating Surrender Monkey Perrier nonsense, oh dear no). If a terrorist attack disables the water system it is important to have bottled supplies. Once used citizens should hold on to the empty bottles as a disabled water system would also imply a disabled sewage system and the emptied bottles may be useful.

Responsible citizens should ensure that they can cope for a few days without electricity. To this end they should lay in the following supplies: battery-powered radio, spare batteries, candles (some scented candle are a good idea to help you relax), Monopoly or other board games and a good book (we recommend Salman Rushdie's The Satanic Verses and perhaps the SAS Survival Guide). The more patriotic among you may wish to buy a small generator to drive via you exercise cycle or stairmaster. Lonely ladies may wish to ensure a readily available, battery-powered vibrator and a backup supply of cells. A terror attack is no reason a British woman can’t enjoy some decent clitoral stimulation and some may see a decent orgasm in a time of crisis as your patriotic duty (just like back and think of Britain). Gentlemen (and hirsute ladies) may want to have a battery operated shaver on standby. This may also be used offensively to remove the beard of the terrorist, thus rendering them harmless. No electricity means no MP3 downloads or I-Pods, so music-loving citizens may wish to burn some uplifting, patriotic tunes to a wind-up gramophone system. We recommend Rule Britannia, God Save the Queen and the themes from 633 Squadron and the Dambusters to keep up your Stiff Upper Lip (citizens should also keep a good supply of Lip Stiffener to hand). This will also mean no television - Big Brother fans will have to find something more productive to do with the many hours of free time this will give them, such as cleaning their toes or learning to whistle.

It is a good idea to keep some sandbags ready to be filled at a moment’s notice around the household. Indeed you should keep some ready-filled at all times – in peaceful times they can be used as small cushions or miniature bean-bags for children and small animals such as cats to sit on. A few rolls of Kevlar are useful to have around the house (it can be used as an ironing board cover during peaceful periods) and for wealthier households you may consider selling one of your family cars and replacing it with a tank. With recently announced cutbacks to the British armed forces (partly to fund the 8 million pound cost of the warning leaflet) it is possible to obtain a low-mileage, used Challenger battle tank for a good price (Jeremy Clarkson is said to own one already).

Of course there is more to the booklet than telling you what to buy and store. There are also useful tips on what and what not do in event of one of those attacks we’ve been scaring the crap out of you all by reminding you of every time we threaten your liberties or get into a PR problem over the war:

Keep a list of useful telephone numbers close to hand, such as police, Fire Brigade, etc. Assuming the terrorist outrage which knocked out your power and water hasn’t knocked out your phones as well (or indeed destroyed the police, fire stations etc) you will then be able to contact the authorities for emergency information and/or assistance quickly. Naturally as it will be a state of emergency it is imperative that you do not use those numbers in event of an attack since it could block emergency communications. Keep them handy but don’t use them. If the internet access is disabled you should use carrier pigeons. If carrier pigeons are unavailable you and your neighbours should create a chain of semaphore stations. Semaphore flags can be made easily from old towels or blankets, some handy dowelling, glue and sticky-back plastic. The draft from a large number of semaphore flags is considerable and can also be used in concert to make the long beards of terrorists flap around and get in their way. The energetic flapping will produce body heat useful if gas and electricity is cut off on a cold night and help keep the population fit.

Be alert – keep your eyes open for suspicious-looking characters around your neighbourhood and report them to the authorities. Unless of course the suspicious-looking characters are undercover intelligence operatives protecting you by intercepting your phone calls, checking your emails and bank account details. You may well ask how do I tell the difference between these dodgy characters? And the answer is obvious: the white, middle-class dodgy chap is ‘one of ours’ and the dark-skinned foreign bloke is obviously up to no good, precisely because he is a dark-skinned foreign bloke.

Animals have always been useful allies in Britain’s glorious struggles of the past: sniffer dogs finding IRA bombs, sneaker cats to scout behind enemy lines and shit in their shoes and not forgetting the highly trained halibut used by Admiral Lord Nelson to nibble to hulls of the French fleet at Trafalgar. Train your pets to attack terrorists. Dogs, cats and rabbits of Britain, this is your Finest Hour.

Have a well-stocked First Aid box to hand. Most of you won’t know how to use anything in there other than the Band-Aids but it will make you feel better.

Have a well-stocked bar in the home. Because since we’re cutting British forces while prosecuting the ‘war on terror’ that we started you’ll need a good, stiff drink regularly to deal with the constant fear that an incompetent government has left us with more hate-filled enemies than ever before while totally failing to ensure the protection of British citizens. Cheers.

Finally remember this is all for Your Own Good. Do Not Question The Government. Should anyone experience serious side-effects from following the advice in this leaflet Her Majesty’s Government will immediately hold a public enquiry to find the government blameless and pass the buck to the BBC. If you were terrified by the Evil Terrorist Threat before just bear in mind that we are the people in charge of your safety – People with no sense of responsibility, who lie to the public and even give Peter Mandelson another job. Now you truly know the Face of Terror.