Alligator makes citizen's arrest on junkie
This story from the Orlando Sentinel has to be one of the best weird stories of the week: screams for help in the middle of the night lead locals to call out the police, who arrived by a dark lake to find a naked man who had been smoking crack fighting off an 11-foot alligator. Speaking to the Woolamaloo Gazette later the alligator, Snapper LaCoste, said he had been trying to make a citizen's arrest. "This lake area used to be a great neighbourhood," he remarked, "but these damned junkies come here smoking and shooting up, now running around naked. The whole area has gone downhill, you don't dare take the kids out to the park, litter and drugs detritus lies around the area. When I saw this naked junkie I saw red and decided if the cops wouldn't take action, I would and made a citizen's arrest. When he resisted I was forced to attempt to eat him."
Thursday, November 30, 2006
Happy Saint Andrews Day
To mark the day devoted to Scotland's patron saint I've indulged myself in many Scottish activities. I began by releasing a group of wild haggis upon the Esplanade of Edinburgh Castle. I had planned to dance upon a pair of crossed swords as we Scots are want to do (a lot better than Morris Dancing, but there must be easier ways to clip your toenails) but since we are in the 21st century I used a pair of lightsabres instead (with a tartan beam-blade of course), dancing to the sound of the pipes and drums while reciting Burns, drinking whisky, eating shortbread, deep frying my lunch, creating a major new philosophical system, wrote some poetry, made some astonishing scientific discoveries, beat someone to death for wearing the wrong football scarf and finished by abusing passing Englishmen. That was a busy day...
To mark the day devoted to Scotland's patron saint I've indulged myself in many Scottish activities. I began by releasing a group of wild haggis upon the Esplanade of Edinburgh Castle. I had planned to dance upon a pair of crossed swords as we Scots are want to do (a lot better than Morris Dancing, but there must be easier ways to clip your toenails) but since we are in the 21st century I used a pair of lightsabres instead (with a tartan beam-blade of course), dancing to the sound of the pipes and drums while reciting Burns, drinking whisky, eating shortbread, deep frying my lunch, creating a major new philosophical system, wrote some poetry, made some astonishing scientific discoveries, beat someone to death for wearing the wrong football scarf and finished by abusing passing Englishmen. That was a busy day...
Wednesday, November 29, 2006
Xmas in Edinburgh
Inside Jenners in Edinburgh this evening, a little Xmas shopping with my mum and dad who were through visiting (off for some nice food as well, poor mum with her arm in a sling still).
We could hear music but weren't sure where it was coming from. Beautiful bit of acoustic guitar, lovely golden chords. As we walked round we spotted the musician playing away, just sitting in front of the clothing department. I liked the two mannequins on the upper right, they look almost like they are leaning forward to listen to him.
The open air Xmas Fair and German market are now open in Princes Street Gardens and the Mound right next to the Royal Scottish Academy. All sorts of lovely things on offer and hot food, mulled wine, Gluhwein... I love when this comes to town, the people, the atmosphere, the light, the smell of food and spiced wines all make such a magnificent contrast with the long, cold, dark winter nights of Scotland.
I wonder if this is the same tilting swing I snapped back during the summer at Fringe Sunday?
Roll up, roll up, all the fun of the fair!!!
Inside Jenners in Edinburgh this evening, a little Xmas shopping with my mum and dad who were through visiting (off for some nice food as well, poor mum with her arm in a sling still).
We could hear music but weren't sure where it was coming from. Beautiful bit of acoustic guitar, lovely golden chords. As we walked round we spotted the musician playing away, just sitting in front of the clothing department. I liked the two mannequins on the upper right, they look almost like they are leaning forward to listen to him.
The open air Xmas Fair and German market are now open in Princes Street Gardens and the Mound right next to the Royal Scottish Academy. All sorts of lovely things on offer and hot food, mulled wine, Gluhwein... I love when this comes to town, the people, the atmosphere, the light, the smell of food and spiced wines all make such a magnificent contrast with the long, cold, dark winter nights of Scotland.
I wonder if this is the same tilting swing I snapped back during the summer at Fringe Sunday?
Roll up, roll up, all the fun of the fair!!!
Sunday, November 26, 2006
Reading against the text
Watching the latest Lynx deodorant for men ad ("spray more, get more" - sounds like an ad for tomcats to me) which starts Baywatch-style with a large-chested woman running in a bikini in glorious slo-mo (there was so much titty bounce I thought at first it might be an ad for sports bras for active girls who need real support). As tens, then hundreds and eventually thousands of bikini clad tall, busty women race irresistibly towards the beach where our man is spraying his Lynx I couldn't help but think of a couple of alternative readings for this ad, somewhat different to the preferred meaning of the makers. My first thought was it would be hilarious if when they ran towards him on the beach they tore him apart with their bear hands because they were a tribe of fierce Amazonian warrior women. The second was it would be hilarious if the ad ended with the women reaching him then punching the crap out of him as he sprayed the deodorant around, yelling "stop destroying the biosphere, you stupid male bastard." Coming up with your own interpretation of the ads is usually more fun than the actual ads themselves.
Watching the latest Lynx deodorant for men ad ("spray more, get more" - sounds like an ad for tomcats to me) which starts Baywatch-style with a large-chested woman running in a bikini in glorious slo-mo (there was so much titty bounce I thought at first it might be an ad for sports bras for active girls who need real support). As tens, then hundreds and eventually thousands of bikini clad tall, busty women race irresistibly towards the beach where our man is spraying his Lynx I couldn't help but think of a couple of alternative readings for this ad, somewhat different to the preferred meaning of the makers. My first thought was it would be hilarious if when they ran towards him on the beach they tore him apart with their bear hands because they were a tribe of fierce Amazonian warrior women. The second was it would be hilarious if the ad ended with the women reaching him then punching the crap out of him as he sprayed the deodorant around, yelling "stop destroying the biosphere, you stupid male bastard." Coming up with your own interpretation of the ads is usually more fun than the actual ads themselves.
Retirement
My lovely mum was all set to retire at the ripe age of 60 next month from her part time work but unfortunately it has been brought forward by circumstances: she works in a bakery and on her way to help a colleague she slipped on a bit of foodstuff and had a nasty tumble, injuring her arm quite badly. She's pulled muscles rather nastily but after a couple of days of increasing pain she finally went to the casualty department at hospital and it turns out she chipped the bone and caused more damage than she thought. So now she is in a lot of pain and bound up with a special sling, which is making life very difficult - she isn't sleeping right because of the pain (and being worried about rolling over onto the bad arm in her sleep - major owww!) and simple things like fixing her hair are very hard to do with one hand, so she isn't going out much because she won't go out unless she looks presentable (unlike her son who is a scruff, looks, as she puts it "like something that fell of a flitting" - or 'Bohemian' as I would have it). And since she will be bound up like this for several weeks it will go past her 60th birthday in December when she was to retire, so she missed that.
And she isn't trying to claim for compensation. If it was a small family business I could understand her not wanting to claim in case it ruined their business, but it is a large group of national bakeries; it wasn't a malicious thing, but she slipped and injured herself on something that shouldn't have been there and is in a lot of pain because of it, so that is their responsibility. I'm damned annoyed she won't claim and I'm going to keep pressing her on it. Does seem very funny to think on my mum as retired though (although 60 isn't old these days, is it? Not unless you are 16) - she still has a creamy complexion and her hair is still red, the benefits of a Celtic heritage. I've never been someone obsessed with money (which is just as well as I've never really earned much!); mostly I'm happy to make enough to be comfortable and doing a job you like is worth a lot more.
One of the few reasons I would like to be wealthier is to be able to say to both my folks, here's all your outstanding stuff paid off, now bugger off on a big, long holiday and enjoy yourselves while you're still fit and young enough. Alas I can just about pay my own mortgage, so that isn't going to happen, but it would be nice, wouldn't it? I'd love to be able to take care of them the way they have taken care of me over the years. One thing I've never taken for granted is my parents; so many kids in our world grow up with parents who don't care or no parents at all. Not me, I got the luckiest draw you can get, parents who love you and will do anything for you and a big family of uncles, aunts and cousins into the bargain. That's worth more than money and I know how damned lucky it makes me; anything and everything I ever do in life is built on that foundation. I wish every kid had that, then the world would be a much better place.
My lovely mum was all set to retire at the ripe age of 60 next month from her part time work but unfortunately it has been brought forward by circumstances: she works in a bakery and on her way to help a colleague she slipped on a bit of foodstuff and had a nasty tumble, injuring her arm quite badly. She's pulled muscles rather nastily but after a couple of days of increasing pain she finally went to the casualty department at hospital and it turns out she chipped the bone and caused more damage than she thought. So now she is in a lot of pain and bound up with a special sling, which is making life very difficult - she isn't sleeping right because of the pain (and being worried about rolling over onto the bad arm in her sleep - major owww!) and simple things like fixing her hair are very hard to do with one hand, so she isn't going out much because she won't go out unless she looks presentable (unlike her son who is a scruff, looks, as she puts it "like something that fell of a flitting" - or 'Bohemian' as I would have it). And since she will be bound up like this for several weeks it will go past her 60th birthday in December when she was to retire, so she missed that.
And she isn't trying to claim for compensation. If it was a small family business I could understand her not wanting to claim in case it ruined their business, but it is a large group of national bakeries; it wasn't a malicious thing, but she slipped and injured herself on something that shouldn't have been there and is in a lot of pain because of it, so that is their responsibility. I'm damned annoyed she won't claim and I'm going to keep pressing her on it. Does seem very funny to think on my mum as retired though (although 60 isn't old these days, is it? Not unless you are 16) - she still has a creamy complexion and her hair is still red, the benefits of a Celtic heritage. I've never been someone obsessed with money (which is just as well as I've never really earned much!); mostly I'm happy to make enough to be comfortable and doing a job you like is worth a lot more.
One of the few reasons I would like to be wealthier is to be able to say to both my folks, here's all your outstanding stuff paid off, now bugger off on a big, long holiday and enjoy yourselves while you're still fit and young enough. Alas I can just about pay my own mortgage, so that isn't going to happen, but it would be nice, wouldn't it? I'd love to be able to take care of them the way they have taken care of me over the years. One thing I've never taken for granted is my parents; so many kids in our world grow up with parents who don't care or no parents at all. Not me, I got the luckiest draw you can get, parents who love you and will do anything for you and a big family of uncles, aunts and cousins into the bargain. That's worth more than money and I know how damned lucky it makes me; anything and everything I ever do in life is built on that foundation. I wish every kid had that, then the world would be a much better place.
Pies
For some bizarre reason a friend and I got on to the topic of pie-shagging (a la American Pie) the other day. Porking a pie - hmmm, is this possibly an alternative source for the name of the pork pie? Not just because it's made of dead piggy, but because of naughty pastry-related bonking in days of old; after all many pork pies do have that curious little circular depression in the top...
Anyway, from there we somehow went on to Cannibal Country (possibly inspired by last week's Torchwood with human-eating yokels) and making pies from people. And somehow it mixed with the previous topic and I found myself wondering about cannibal yokels who cut up nubile teen hitchers and turn them into pies, then shag those pies. And I wondered, would our pie-porkin' cannibal only shag human pies of the opposite sex, unless of course they were gay? I'm just picturing a pair of our happy countryside cannibals indulging in some intimate pastry relations with fresh pies made from their latest chopped up hitchers, one turning to the other and laughing, "man, you is dicking a guy-pie, you fag!"; gay cannibalistic necrophilia (with pies). Kind of American Pie meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre and Sweeney Todd. It would make a great short horror movie or comic; a tale of lust, love, sexual identity and odd fillings for pies.
Yes, odd things do jump into my head; maybe I do watch too many movies...
For some bizarre reason a friend and I got on to the topic of pie-shagging (a la American Pie) the other day. Porking a pie - hmmm, is this possibly an alternative source for the name of the pork pie? Not just because it's made of dead piggy, but because of naughty pastry-related bonking in days of old; after all many pork pies do have that curious little circular depression in the top...
Anyway, from there we somehow went on to Cannibal Country (possibly inspired by last week's Torchwood with human-eating yokels) and making pies from people. And somehow it mixed with the previous topic and I found myself wondering about cannibal yokels who cut up nubile teen hitchers and turn them into pies, then shag those pies. And I wondered, would our pie-porkin' cannibal only shag human pies of the opposite sex, unless of course they were gay? I'm just picturing a pair of our happy countryside cannibals indulging in some intimate pastry relations with fresh pies made from their latest chopped up hitchers, one turning to the other and laughing, "man, you is dicking a guy-pie, you fag!"; gay cannibalistic necrophilia (with pies). Kind of American Pie meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre and Sweeney Todd. It would make a great short horror movie or comic; a tale of lust, love, sexual identity and odd fillings for pies.
Yes, odd things do jump into my head; maybe I do watch too many movies...
Wednesday, November 22, 2006
Double-Oh!!!!
After a fair old wait and lots of speculation over Daniel Craig's suitability for the role and rumblings over the 'rebooting' the new James Bond has arrived, to pretty much universal acclaim from the reviewers. Was I impressed? Damned right I was. Cineaste though I am, I enjoy the Bond movies too (hey, can't always be watching indy and foreign movies) and have been wondering what this would be like. Right from the start with the usual pre-credits sequence Casino Royale sets out its stall as a harder, grittier and more brutal version of Bond, shot in a monochrome (almost like CCTV footage) we see Bond's first two kills, the necessary number to be considered for double-0 status, leading into a pretty cool version of the turn and fire out the screen, blood comes down scene you get at the start of Bond flicks.
The first third of the film is relentlessly action-packed and gripping - the scene in an African construction site using Parkour-style stunts is brilliant. Despite the heroics and stunts, this is a young, inexperienced Bond and he makes mistakes, misjudges things; when he gets into fights they are brutally physical and in the following scene you can see the marks it leaves on him down to bruises across his knuckles (so he's not superhuman). The actual card game (reputedly based on a war-time experience by Ian Fleming in Portugal where he claimed to have tried to fleece some Nazi agents in a casino, although other reports say he lost and more than likely the Nazis were Portuguese businessmen) could have been a slacker third of the film after all that action, but actually it is incredibly tense, although there are nice touches to the past history (reset somewhat by this reboot) such as Bond putting on his first properly tailored dinner jacket somewhat reluctantly until he looks in the mirror and you can see him thinking, hey, I look good in this...
Which left me wondering what they would do for the final third of the movie. I won't blow it for those who haven't been yet, but suffice to say they pulled it off. Not quite as well paced as the first two thirds, but still gripping and you can see events which are going to shape Bond into the character we know later in his career (oh and watch out for Dan finally getting to say the immortal words "Bond. James Bond"). Eva Green is delectable as the main Bond Babe and Dan Craig spends plenty of time in his swimming shorts showing off a very toned body; in fact in a sexual role reversal he emerges from the waves on a tropical beach as Ursula Andress did way back in Dr No (and the gorgeous Halle Berry did in a homage scene in the last Brosnan Bond flick).
I thought Craig was excellent in the role, managing to convey a less experienced Bond but also one confident - sometimes over confident - and much closer to the more brutal, almost public school bully character Fleming wrote and Connery portrayed more in the earliest movies before that edge was lost. Short version of this: Casino Royale rocks; it's tight, gripping and as toned as Dan Craig's abs.
After a fair old wait and lots of speculation over Daniel Craig's suitability for the role and rumblings over the 'rebooting' the new James Bond has arrived, to pretty much universal acclaim from the reviewers. Was I impressed? Damned right I was. Cineaste though I am, I enjoy the Bond movies too (hey, can't always be watching indy and foreign movies) and have been wondering what this would be like. Right from the start with the usual pre-credits sequence Casino Royale sets out its stall as a harder, grittier and more brutal version of Bond, shot in a monochrome (almost like CCTV footage) we see Bond's first two kills, the necessary number to be considered for double-0 status, leading into a pretty cool version of the turn and fire out the screen, blood comes down scene you get at the start of Bond flicks.
The first third of the film is relentlessly action-packed and gripping - the scene in an African construction site using Parkour-style stunts is brilliant. Despite the heroics and stunts, this is a young, inexperienced Bond and he makes mistakes, misjudges things; when he gets into fights they are brutally physical and in the following scene you can see the marks it leaves on him down to bruises across his knuckles (so he's not superhuman). The actual card game (reputedly based on a war-time experience by Ian Fleming in Portugal where he claimed to have tried to fleece some Nazi agents in a casino, although other reports say he lost and more than likely the Nazis were Portuguese businessmen) could have been a slacker third of the film after all that action, but actually it is incredibly tense, although there are nice touches to the past history (reset somewhat by this reboot) such as Bond putting on his first properly tailored dinner jacket somewhat reluctantly until he looks in the mirror and you can see him thinking, hey, I look good in this...
Which left me wondering what they would do for the final third of the movie. I won't blow it for those who haven't been yet, but suffice to say they pulled it off. Not quite as well paced as the first two thirds, but still gripping and you can see events which are going to shape Bond into the character we know later in his career (oh and watch out for Dan finally getting to say the immortal words "Bond. James Bond"). Eva Green is delectable as the main Bond Babe and Dan Craig spends plenty of time in his swimming shorts showing off a very toned body; in fact in a sexual role reversal he emerges from the waves on a tropical beach as Ursula Andress did way back in Dr No (and the gorgeous Halle Berry did in a homage scene in the last Brosnan Bond flick).
I thought Craig was excellent in the role, managing to convey a less experienced Bond but also one confident - sometimes over confident - and much closer to the more brutal, almost public school bully character Fleming wrote and Connery portrayed more in the earliest movies before that edge was lost. Short version of this: Casino Royale rocks; it's tight, gripping and as toned as Dan Craig's abs.
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