Piracy

I am sick to the back teeth with bloody anti-piracy statements and adverts from far too many movie and music organisations. Not only do we get these self-important (usually two-part as well) messages before every single film in the cinema they now add in another bit (sometimes more than one) during the adverts/trailers run before the movie. The current one in the UK usually goe along the lines of "The cinema won't be the only place you can see King Kong/Narnian/Insert blockbuster here. Some people will choose to watch a pirate copy; the picture will be smaller, the image less clear... Movie piracy is a crime, don't buy pirate DVDs".

Er, I am not buying a pirated DVD I am sitting here IN A BLOODY CINEMA!!! Why are you preaching about avoiding piracy and supporting cinema to people who have made the effort to go out and pay to go to a theatrical screening???? I am supporting cinema and also getting pissed off at being preached to by these tossers when I do so. Even worse some DVDs now carry similar adverts - which is kind of redundant given I've bought the damned DVD which carries a warning against picking up pirate discs.... Jeez, no wonder some folk go for piracy.

Still, I enjoyed March of the Penguins (only my third movie of my week off), despite the eejit behind me who had brought his small child with him, who appeared to be about three years old. That's just too wee to be at a full length movie and, of course, the wee guy couldn't keep his trap shut and continually talked, driving me mad. His father did try shushing him a few times but later started talking to him instead, pointing out interesting events on the screen to the child - no wonder the toddler doesn't know to keep his mouth shut in a cinema if this is the example his stupid father sets. The kid finally went quiet halfway through - I found out at the end it was because he had fallen asleep...

I hate people who make noises and talk through movies and bringing a kid so young and fidgety (happily kicking seats and climbing up and down those seats as well as talking) is just stupid and very inconsiderate to the rest of the audience. I don't blame the wee boy, he doesn't know any better, but the father is an arse. And, dammit, I had neglected to bring my usual bottle of ether with me that I normally carry for such occassions. I was off donating blood earlier in the afternoon and didn't want the hospital folk thinking I'd pinched the ether from their labs.

Third visit since mid January this year, so not bad going; I got back into the habit of going to the Blood Donor clinic when I was briefly unemplyoyed this year. The clinic is near the job centre I had to go to and since having to sign-on for the first time in my life was a depressing act I decided to do something positive and off I went, not having donated in several years. Long way to go to match a bloke who was on the couch next to me when I was in over the summer though - he was on his 63rd donation; if I hadn't already removed it when I entered the building I'd have taken my hat off to him. Good news is that the Edinburgh clinic was very busy with a good mix of returning donators like myself and new folk signing up - good to see.

But much of the blood has a relatively short shelf-life and the Xmas season often sees more demand and lower supply, so if donating blood is something you've been thinking about doing, now is a good time to do it. Most of the local clinics do late nights as well so you can just drop by on the way home - it doesn't hurt at all and it doesn't take long to do. And they always have nice choccy biccies for you too munch afterwards (well, they insist you drink and snack afterwards) and the good folk in the Edinburgh clinic always have Tunnocks Teacakes, yummy! So to sum up: easy to do, doesn't hurt, free choccy biccies and best of all you really could be saving a life. It could even be someone you know who needs that blood, so why not get in the habit?

On a personal note my uncle, who has been fighting cancer these last three years was brought home this week - after enduring much horrible treatment such as chemo and surgery and getting through it he has now reached the stage where they simply can't do anymore for him. I was through visiting him this week (and we spent much of the time laughing I'm so happy to say) and I wonder if any of the blood I've donated has ever been used for him. It doesn't matter of course, as long as it helped someone who needed it - the point is that it might have done and that's a bloody good reason for doing it.

We thought three years ago we were going to lose him by Christmas; now his borrowed time his doctors gained him is really ticking away, you can imagine that this donation felt very emotional for me, like my way of giving a little 'up yours' to death. I can't stop what's happening to my dear uncle, but I could do that and I need to make sure I keep doing it, stick with the habit. Maybe it can't help him now, but it can help someone and it is something most of us can do if we make a very little effort, so if you have a blood donor clinic near you, please think about it; it is such a small thing to do but it can mean so much to someone. Hmmm, I was debating if I should have mentioned this on here, but it has been preying on my mind all week - guess it wanted out.

That Pinter Nobel Prize speech in full:

Enter Pinter, stage left

"...











..."

Okay, if you're not familiar with the theatrical term 'Pinteresque pause' that won't mean a damned thing to you, sorry ... Seriously, good on Harold for bashing Blair and Bush so publically. I like some of Pinter's work and some I don't care for, but at 75 and seriously ill with cancer I admire the way he remains true to his convictions.

Verification

You know, posting some comments on chum's blogs this week and using the word verification box to prevent bots etc I realised that most of the 'words' brought up randomly by word verification could be used a a generator for the names of characters and locations in fantasy novels. Nocrji shouldered his great sword and, sighing, set forth towards the kindom of Qrtatu... I think Robert Jordan already uses this; if only he used something as sophisticated for his actual plots...

Torture

"The United States does not use torture, expect its agents to use torture or condone torture by an member of the US forces or intelligence services, " stated that nice, smiley Condoleeza Rice lady (naturally I am being sarcastic here - I think that woman has the coldest, deadest eyes, as if the soul has been scooped out). We at the Gazette are convinced that she speaks the truth - the US does not carry out torture. They have friends in other countries to do that for them.

It is interesting to hear these very weak almost-but-not-quite denials, especially given the fact that the administration has said in the past that although the use of torture would be unconstitutional, if carried out to protect the US then really it would be okay. Bit like Tony and his chums saying, we would never allow torture in Britain, but you know, if we happen to have intelligence which was gathered in another country where torture is practised then we may as well use it. Obviously that wouldn't be anything like showing tacit support for the use of torture at all...

And before anyone asks 'who cares? They're all foreign terrorists' let's just look at this. For starters it is utterly illegal and morally indefensible - we do not protect out civilisation by stooping to hideous, illegal acts which undermine everything we stand for - there can be no excuse for acting like the Gestapo, especially when the person being so abused may in fact be totally innocent (but who will now harbour a deep hatred for the West for this treatment). Second, even if the British or US don't allow torture but are prepared to use intelligence from other nations gathered using torture then that makes our governments accomplices in a clear abuse of human rights and a violation of both national and international law.

Third - even if you still don't agree and think any tool is valid to be used in the great War On Terror (or WOT as it is known) then consider the simple, pragmatic reasoning here: torture as a means of extracting useful information has always proven to be utterly useless. As a means of gaining intelligence it is highly unreliable, gives often misleading or false 'information' and is ultimately self-defeating.

Our governments and intelligence services have managed to give us enough misleading 'intelligence' without half-baked tales wrung out of some poor sod in a foreign jail who would have told you he wore his sister's underwear during Ramadan if he thought it was what you wanted to hear so you'd remove the pliers from his dangly bits. Hats off the the Law Lords in the UK today for telling Blair's cabinet of war criminals that the use of 'evidence' gathered in countries where torture was used is utterly illegal in Britain. Or perhaps Tony will want to change that - after all, this is the man who once remarked that certain section of the European Convention on Human Rights could be 're-written'... And will he actually do anything about the CIA process of 'rendition', where they use British airports to fly kidnapped prisoners to third part nations who partake of an interesting mix of wet rags, wires and batteries...

Yes, once more it is that time of year for the annual ‘alternative’ best picks in SF reading, selected from the books that were almost, but not quite, published this year. As ever, this is a work of fictional lampooning. pastiching; any resemblance to authors and their novels, living, dead or extra dimensional is purely coincidental (besides I only do it because I love their books so much). And I enjoy any excuse to use the word 'lampoon' whenever possible. Come to think of it, doesn't lampoon sound like a cross between a lampost and a balloon? Wouldn't that be cool - small streetlights dangling from balloons on our street?


Pity of Faints and Lardmen by Stef Van Der Valk

A fascinating and engrossing series of novellas and fictional non fiction set in the city of Tripe (named for the most precious part of the offal) in a land that could be the North of England or somewhere else entirely. Marvellous post-modernist scenes confuse the line between reality and the imaginary and the high cholesterol and the low cholesterol as Tripe’s lard producing and eating folk swoon - but do they swoon because of high cholesterol through lard consumption or swoon because They Can’t Believe Its Not Lard? Features the award-winning tale of the artist who found fame after a dream about headless pigs lead him to sculpt and paint purely in lard in the Transformation of Emerson Lake. No Evil Monkeys were harmed in the making of this book.


Smellum: the Book of All Odours by Sal Hunkman

Again we have a clash of the imaginary and reality and a Glasgow University student who sleeps in the library to avoid having to pay to heat his student flat finds the lost Book Of All Odours, which reveals that certain perfumes are more than mere scents but are a way of unlocking entrances to undreamt of vistas of creation. He is soon pursued by the ghost of Coco Channel who turns out to be an angel and encounters multiple versions of his friends, who all wear different colognes in each reality; what happens if he brings all these scents together?


Code Fworrrr! By Merry-Ann de Brighton Pier

Merry-Ann’s top action heroine is back in business, drawing lustful looks from men and women everywhere as she kicks ass while showing off her own pert ass in very tight leather pants and proving that a supergal doesn’t really need a man when she has a damned big gun.


9Sale Box by Spon Blortney Glowertree

Top Brit SF author Spon takes us into the mythical realms between life and death as his Jewish cop in San Fernando investigates his own murder, on the way finding out that the old stories his grandpa told him about the mythical 9Sale Box are true and that he must complete nine transactions on mysterious items in the box before he can settle his affairs in this life and move on to the next.


A Nancy Boy, by Steel Gagman

A return to humour from the award-winning author, his first comedy since his collaboration with Jerry Hatchett on Good Vibrations. Here he mines the rich seam of comedy that is family life, following the trials and tribulations of the effeminate Fat Larry (the titular Nancy Boy) as he finds a brother he didn’t know he had in the wake of his father’s death and discovers that perhaps he isn’t such a nancy after all.


Rudarse Unchained by Dieter S Porkington

The concealed alien agent (the Rudarse) has now infected many humans in key positions in the government and military, turning them all into addicts of S&M sex with a particular predilection for being bound up and bum-whipped. As a vast alien invasion of human space begins, the chains come off and our S&M addicts face the enemy using some very big whips.


The Dave Langford Quizbook

This quiz book covers all aspects of Lanfordania, from his many columns through his short tales, novels and non-fiction work as well as the recent comics hit series Crisis of Infinite Langfords, where all of the Dave Langfords from every parallel Earth come together at the same time and their collective haul of Hugo Awards threaten to collapse under their own mass and create a massive singularity that Charlie Stross will write about.

Christmas in Edinburgh

It is that time of year again - the German market, Winter Wonderland, craft fair and the ice rink are all set up around the base of the Scott Monument and East Princes Street Gardens. The sun has set by 4pm here now but this makes a wonderful, warm oasis of light and life in the dark winter nights.

Guest article

A couple of days ago I talked about the atrocious number of executions in Singapore and pointed readers to a piece by my mate Adrock. The Asian Australian chap who was then facing execution (he has now been subjected to this judicial form of legalised murder) hadn't drawn much discussion in the British or American media - Adrock being a Singaporean living in Australia has a special insight into it and he talked about this and the anti-democratic rule of Singapores dictators (who the West just love doing business with).

However, so nasty are these little dictators that they reach beyond their small island to place their dead hands on the shoulders of their citizens even overseas - one Singaporean blogger abroad was forced to withdraw his comments and publically apologise last year to avoid charges and being sued. Due to similar considerations Adrock has withdrawn his comments from Outrageous, Beautiful Misfit and asked if I would post them here on the Woolamaloo Gazette which I am perfectly happy to do for three reasons.

First I am not a Singaporean citizen so those little Asian autocrats have no hold on me and can kiss my Magnificent Celtic Arse because I am free to discuss my opinions in public ( a right enshrined in the European Convention on Human Rights, part of Scots law); secondly I believe in the freedom of speech and the free debate and exchange of ideas, regardless of the approval of authorities (actually if it is to various authorities' discomfort I think we are doing our democratic duty!) and this includes opinions I may or may not agree with but support the right to be expressed; thirdly Adrock is my mate - I enjoy reading his blog and his 'fuck you attitude'. It may not be to everyone's taste, but he publishes his opinions honestly and with an enjoyable sarcastic wit.

So here is the article he published a few days ago reproduced here - it is not a bleeding heart Liberal critique of capital punishment and repressive regimes (should we change this regime, George and Tony???) but it is, as ever, Adrock's honest opinon, freely expressed:

It's 11.45am...in just under 2 days Van Nguyen will be dead...either by
decapitation or strangulation...

You know im not one for compassion...Van Nguyen's case is just another
run-of-the-mill drug courier cases that dot the world...whether we do somethin
bout it or not...Nguyen will become another drug statistic...

Prime Minister John Howard has claimed that he and the Australian Government has
done everythin they can to protect the life of Australians...the funny thing
is...i believe him for once...for every avenue the Government has tried...it was
spat upon by Singapore...insultin the Australian citizenry...chances are...had
the Government pursued its claim...some kind of diplomatic incident would have
occurred...now we dont want that happenin do we?

Ive read and listened with great interest the opinions of Australians in papers
and radio...and it fascinates me to no end how gullible and naive most
Australians are...YES it is wrong to take someone's life...YES no one has the
power invested by God to take another man's life...YES Nguyen has done
wrong...YES he should serve jailtime and rot till he dies for all we care...BUT
he should not die by capital punishment...Nguyen is a smart adult who would have
seen the number of signs dotted on the flight to Singapore and visas indicatin
that the punishment for drug traffickin is death...he took a chance...he knew of
the consequences...he must serve the punishment...he deserves to be
punished...NOT by hangin...but by eternal incarceration...

Everyone is entitled to their own opinions...that's what i love about Australia
(and why ive left Singapore for as long as i can)...for every Australian who has
a Nguyen opinion...adrock2xander has a reply...here it is...for every Australian
or foreigner who has never visited Singapore...here's what's really goin on...

Singapore often calls itself a democratic society...i laugh when they do...what
audacity! Singapore is NOT a democracy...it is an autocratic...one-party society
in essence run by the Lee family...the Government there regularly applies its
Internal Security Act...which was introduced to combat communists in the
1960s...yes...i completely agree with the law back in the 60s as any effort to
quell Communism is an effort worthy of an applause...top marks for the Lee
Government then to put Communism down...but the Internal Security Act still
exists today...its purpose is not to combat Communism in this millenium...but to
stifle political dissent...without goin too much into the political situation in
Singapore...let's just say its persona non grata...

The Singapore defence force is disappropriately large (in relation to the size
and population of the country)...with capabilities such as heavy armor...which
keeps the Muslim neighbors of Indonesia and Malaysia nervous about Singapore's
long-term strategic intentions...

If the countries of Indonesia and Malaysia...with a combined population of 250
million...are afraid of Singapore's (population 4.5 million) military
might...what does it say bout the way Singapore is being run?

Singapore does not feel the need to take notice of public opinion...the public
in Singapore is kept ignorant and intimidated...fear of the Government is
somethin that's not spoken of by Singaporeans...while i do not agree with some
of the laws the Singapore government has passed...some of the implemented laws
have made me compare countries i invariably visit to Singapore...the truth
is...when it comes to stability and security...i wouldnt trade Singapore for
another country (Switzerland has a case though hehe)...

Many Singaporeans feel secure in the 'cocoon' the government has created for
them...like products off a conveyor belt...Singaporeans are moulded to think and
act alike and brought up never to think for themselves...everythin is provided
and automated for them...it is this sense of security and 'fake wholesomeness'
that leave many Singaporeans satisfied with what they have...ask a Singaporean
why they refuse to speak up...he'll give you a curt reply: "Im happy with the
way things are...it's safe and clean and my family's well...why should i
complain?" Says a lot doesnt it? For all its efficienty...it's hard to think
whether Singapore has done it too well for once...That's not to say Singapore
hasnt done anythin right...punishin Nguyen is a little step towards a better
society...think of all the drug addicts whose life will be destroyed just coz
Nguyen wants to pocket several hundred thousand dollars...however...i feel that
we elect a government to collectively represent our people...they respond to our
cries of help and work out palatable solutions for us...but for a country to
decide on its own what is right for one or another without the consultation of
others is eternally damnin...who gives the rights for Singapore to hang any
random strapped-with-drugs-Joe that steps into its puny shores?

Like ive said earlier...i dont care what crime Nguyen did...he could have
imported rabbits without payin tax or brought in a large catalogue of gay
magazines..let's leave him till he dies in the cell...at least he dies in a
humane way...the drugs that Nguyen smuggled in were never distributed to the
druggies...not one gram of it...no one was hurt...Nguyen didnt even smuggle the
drugs for himself...he did it out of love for his brother (who should be the one
dyin by the way)...it's not like he committed pedophilia or somethin
dastardly...why the hell is Singapore killin him?

One of the Ten Commandments is 'Thou Shall Not Kill'...Christianity is one of
the fastest growin religion in Buddhist-entrenched Singapore...i do believe the
Government has a large number of Christians within its ranks...if they are pious
and firm believers in the miracle of God...they should look into their hearts
and grant Nguyen a lifetime sentence instead...

God save Nguyen...and perhaps the Singapore Government..."