Adman must die!!!
I can’t take it any longer - we must take action. That annoying wee camp bugger with the frog eyes and ridiculous glasses who advertises the Halifax. He was bloody irritating when he did live adverts. Now they’ve made him into a series of animated adverts he’s smegging well insufferable. “Who give you extra?” I’ll give the wee git extra napalm right in his animated butt. For the sake of civilization the wee git must die slowly, the adverts must be burned and the spawn of evil advertisers who created these nauseating ads must be publicly flayed.
Wednesday, June 11, 2003
Satanism, underage porn, S&M - a naughty book? Hell no, just a tabloid rag stirring it up as usual...
I made the mistake of glancing through a tabloid rag - the term ‘newspaper’ does not fit - that someone left lying around the staff room at work. What do I spot but a very large article about one of my favourite authors, the writer and artist Daniel Clowes. Seems some young girl picked up a copy of his graphic novel Ghost World from the kid’s section in a library in Musselburgh. The Daily Record had a field day, painting the novel as a dreadfully sexually explicit tawdry tale of swearing, sex, S&M, child porn and Satanism.
Anyone who has read this excellent novel, or watched the film (my joint review is here on the award-winning Alien if you’re interested) knows this warped view synopsis is somewhat inaccurate. Ghost World, like many of the works of Dan Clowes, addresses issues we all deal with, such as alienation, ageing, coming to terms with life and its challenges and disappointments. Sure, it shouldn’t be in the kid’s section of the library. Probably some poor librarian who doesn’t know it filed it there because they thought it was a kid’s picture book. But they rampantly biased and selective view the Daily Record gave of the book stopped just short of demanding a book burning. Tabloid newspapers - there should be a law against them.
I made the mistake of glancing through a tabloid rag - the term ‘newspaper’ does not fit - that someone left lying around the staff room at work. What do I spot but a very large article about one of my favourite authors, the writer and artist Daniel Clowes. Seems some young girl picked up a copy of his graphic novel Ghost World from the kid’s section in a library in Musselburgh. The Daily Record had a field day, painting the novel as a dreadfully sexually explicit tawdry tale of swearing, sex, S&M, child porn and Satanism.
Anyone who has read this excellent novel, or watched the film (my joint review is here on the award-winning Alien if you’re interested) knows this warped view synopsis is somewhat inaccurate. Ghost World, like many of the works of Dan Clowes, addresses issues we all deal with, such as alienation, ageing, coming to terms with life and its challenges and disappointments. Sure, it shouldn’t be in the kid’s section of the library. Probably some poor librarian who doesn’t know it filed it there because they thought it was a kid’s picture book. But they rampantly biased and selective view the Daily Record gave of the book stopped just short of demanding a book burning. Tabloid newspapers - there should be a law against them.
British Muslims and Jews Unite!
Yes, incredible but true - according to an article in the Independent British Jews and Muslims have found common ground. A recent committee has been examining the slaughter of animals for Halaal (Muslim) or Kosher (Jewish) food stores. Both have strict rules governing the slaughter of food animals according to their religion. Britain, being the nation of cuddly animal lovers that we are, has very strict rules on the slaughter of animals. In order to be humane they must be stunned before being killed.
The law exempts these religious groups who choose to slaughter several million animals a year by the simple process of tying them up and slitting their throats, waiting for the unfortunate animal to expire by bleeding to death. They claim this is more humane than stunning the animal. Excuse me while I say WHAT?!?!?
The committee agrees with me and has recommended to the government that these groups should go by the same law as all British slaughterhouses. Predictably the religious creeps have cried out that this violates their sacred rights etc, etc. My considered response is that if your religion involves torturing an animal to death then bollocks to you. One Jewish leader played the WWII card of course - you can never criticize Jewish groups of Israel without the old anti-Semitism charge of them using the war as a get out of jail card to do whatever they want, rest of the world be damned.
In fact he said banning kosher production was the first thing Hitler did in 1933. What the fuck is that supposed to mean? Having humane regulations for animal slaughter means next we’re rounding folk up for a nasty kind of shower? Is he forgetting the country that has these rules is the same country who fought those Nazis for 6 long years (while in the Holy Land radical Jews were putting bombs under British soldier’s cars and shooting them in terrorist attacks, including a future Israeli prime minister). It is the 21st century and time these religious fragwits realised it. If they don’t like the rule then bollocks to them. I don’t care for religion of any persuasion, but I tolerate it - they should tolerate the laws of the land to apply to them as well as the bulk of the population. The animal must be undamaged of it is not kosher to eat. Stunning cause damage so it is not acceptable apparently. Hmmm, what exactly do they call slitting the animal’s throat? That’s pretty big damage surely?
Of course being an atheist who is also a vegetarian I’d rather they didn’t kill animals at all. Religion - oughta be a law against it.
Yes, incredible but true - according to an article in the Independent British Jews and Muslims have found common ground. A recent committee has been examining the slaughter of animals for Halaal (Muslim) or Kosher (Jewish) food stores. Both have strict rules governing the slaughter of food animals according to their religion. Britain, being the nation of cuddly animal lovers that we are, has very strict rules on the slaughter of animals. In order to be humane they must be stunned before being killed.
The law exempts these religious groups who choose to slaughter several million animals a year by the simple process of tying them up and slitting their throats, waiting for the unfortunate animal to expire by bleeding to death. They claim this is more humane than stunning the animal. Excuse me while I say WHAT?!?!?
The committee agrees with me and has recommended to the government that these groups should go by the same law as all British slaughterhouses. Predictably the religious creeps have cried out that this violates their sacred rights etc, etc. My considered response is that if your religion involves torturing an animal to death then bollocks to you. One Jewish leader played the WWII card of course - you can never criticize Jewish groups of Israel without the old anti-Semitism charge of them using the war as a get out of jail card to do whatever they want, rest of the world be damned.
In fact he said banning kosher production was the first thing Hitler did in 1933. What the fuck is that supposed to mean? Having humane regulations for animal slaughter means next we’re rounding folk up for a nasty kind of shower? Is he forgetting the country that has these rules is the same country who fought those Nazis for 6 long years (while in the Holy Land radical Jews were putting bombs under British soldier’s cars and shooting them in terrorist attacks, including a future Israeli prime minister). It is the 21st century and time these religious fragwits realised it. If they don’t like the rule then bollocks to them. I don’t care for religion of any persuasion, but I tolerate it - they should tolerate the laws of the land to apply to them as well as the bulk of the population. The animal must be undamaged of it is not kosher to eat. Stunning cause damage so it is not acceptable apparently. Hmmm, what exactly do they call slitting the animal’s throat? That’s pretty big damage surely?
Of course being an atheist who is also a vegetarian I’d rather they didn’t kill animals at all. Religion - oughta be a law against it.
Friday, June 6, 2003
US & UK TO EXPAND SEARCH FOR SADDAM’S WMDs
In a week which has seen Tony Blair squirming as both the public and members of parliament have accused him of misleading the House over Saddam’s weapons the UK & US have announced plans to dramatically expand the diameter of their weapons search radius.
With the launch of the cutting edge British space probe Beagle II to Mars this week the coalition forces now have a unique opportunity to search a perfect hiding place for Saddam’s missing WMDs. Donald Rumsfeld took time out from looking like a man who’s just had a large lemon shoved up his arse to explain that Saddam was a cunning fiend and hiding his weapons on a different planet was exactly the sort of thing he would do to confound and humiliate the allies. John Reid added that he agreed with Mr. Rumsfeld and that Saddam probably had some aid in this, no doubt from ’rogue agents’.
So the Beagle II will now search for evidence of microbial life or micro fossils in the Martian soil, evidence of liquid water in past times and possible places of concealment for Weapons of Mass Destruction. Some have hinted that perhaps Saddam himself cannot be found in the burning sands of Iraq because he too has hidden himself in the cooler sands of Mars. President Bush is already said to be considering ’liberating’ the red planet. Tony Blair has once more re-iterated that in order to produce the proof that he was right and didn’t mislead the British public the investigators needed more time. Obviously searching Mars will take even more time than we previously thought. “That’s what we said a few months ago,” said Hans Blix. Naturally with that kind of petulant attitude we won’t be asking those pesky UN inspectors back.
When asked how the Iraqi dictator got his weapons to Mars when his missiles had a range of less than a hundred miles a Pentagon scientist postulated that perhaps they tied a bunch of them together.
In a week which has seen Tony Blair squirming as both the public and members of parliament have accused him of misleading the House over Saddam’s weapons the UK & US have announced plans to dramatically expand the diameter of their weapons search radius.
With the launch of the cutting edge British space probe Beagle II to Mars this week the coalition forces now have a unique opportunity to search a perfect hiding place for Saddam’s missing WMDs. Donald Rumsfeld took time out from looking like a man who’s just had a large lemon shoved up his arse to explain that Saddam was a cunning fiend and hiding his weapons on a different planet was exactly the sort of thing he would do to confound and humiliate the allies. John Reid added that he agreed with Mr. Rumsfeld and that Saddam probably had some aid in this, no doubt from ’rogue agents’.
So the Beagle II will now search for evidence of microbial life or micro fossils in the Martian soil, evidence of liquid water in past times and possible places of concealment for Weapons of Mass Destruction. Some have hinted that perhaps Saddam himself cannot be found in the burning sands of Iraq because he too has hidden himself in the cooler sands of Mars. President Bush is already said to be considering ’liberating’ the red planet. Tony Blair has once more re-iterated that in order to produce the proof that he was right and didn’t mislead the British public the investigators needed more time. Obviously searching Mars will take even more time than we previously thought. “That’s what we said a few months ago,” said Hans Blix. Naturally with that kind of petulant attitude we won’t be asking those pesky UN inspectors back.
When asked how the Iraqi dictator got his weapons to Mars when his missiles had a range of less than a hundred miles a Pentagon scientist postulated that perhaps they tied a bunch of them together.
Thursday, June 5, 2003
Heard the one about the Alien and the Wooden Rocket?
Just heard the great news that our most excellent SF website The Alien Online has won a Wooden Rocket award for best online magazine.This is the first year the awards have run, voted for by the readers of the SF Crow'snest. As each person could only vote once it obviously wasn't ballot-stuffing by the TAO crew but genuine votes by people who obviously appreciate and enjoy what we all do there. It's a very rewarding feeling for myself, I'm sure the rest of the crew are over a number of moons and a very welcome pat on the back (with rubber gloves in case he's still contagious) for the site editor Ariel. As we all do this for the love of it it means even more to know that the SF community out there really do appreciate what we're doing. Thanks to those who voted and to the Crow'snest.
Just heard the great news that our most excellent SF website The Alien Online has won a Wooden Rocket award for best online magazine.This is the first year the awards have run, voted for by the readers of the SF Crow'snest. As each person could only vote once it obviously wasn't ballot-stuffing by the TAO crew but genuine votes by people who obviously appreciate and enjoy what we all do there. It's a very rewarding feeling for myself, I'm sure the rest of the crew are over a number of moons and a very welcome pat on the back (with rubber gloves in case he's still contagious) for the site editor Ariel. As we all do this for the love of it it means even more to know that the SF community out there really do appreciate what we're doing. Thanks to those who voted and to the Crow'snest.
Ned culture (surely a contradiction if ever there was?)
Rosie ‘Citizen’ Kane, newly elected Socialist MSP made another proud stand for the advancement of Scotland today when she took up parliamentary time to demand that the word ‘Ned’ be banned from use within the Scottish executive. This is not an anti-Flanders movement - for those unfamiliar with the term a Ned is a Scottish term used to describe a certain rather unsavoury type of character from the lower regions of our society.
Your average Ned will be covered in a shell suit - preferably Kappa - regardless of the weather. Baseball hats, especially Burberry ones (bizarrely) are highly prized, as is cheap and tacky gold jewellery and expensive sports shoes. No Ned is truly complete without his bottle of fortified wine and a packet of fags (fortunately these assist in keeping the Ned population manageable by killing them off at an early age - alas they breed at an even earlier age). The nasal whine, inability to communicate above the level of a mentally impaired four year old child and a posture which indicates the Ned has yet to fully master the rudiments of upright locomotion are all trademarks of the Ned (anthropological classification Homo Schemiescumitus Neddius).Those who still don't believe in evolution - look upon the Ned, for he illustrates perfectly one of the much earlier, less evolved hominids than modern homo sapiens.
So should the term be banned because, as Red Rosie says, it is derogatory? Indeed not I say - in fact this section of our society requires more degrading. Rosie obviously hasn’t had to deal with these little Kappa-clad, foul-mouthed monsters coming into her bookstore and stealing Irvine Welsh books for someone to read to them and giving the bookseller torrents of abuse and threats.
I am prepared, in a conciliatory move, to use alternative terms however. Schemie scum is one I will gladly use. Poor White Trash, wee sleekit bastards, Cro-Magnon… Although the title I’d prefer for them is a series of numbers and letters - the type you are given in prison. When will the government see sense and simply arrest all the people who wear shell suits and Burberry baseball hats? We could cut crime by 60% over night. Meanwhile, Rosie, try getting on with doing some of the serious bloody work you were elected to do and stop arsing about defending these wee gobshites.
Rosie ‘Citizen’ Kane, newly elected Socialist MSP made another proud stand for the advancement of Scotland today when she took up parliamentary time to demand that the word ‘Ned’ be banned from use within the Scottish executive. This is not an anti-Flanders movement - for those unfamiliar with the term a Ned is a Scottish term used to describe a certain rather unsavoury type of character from the lower regions of our society.
Your average Ned will be covered in a shell suit - preferably Kappa - regardless of the weather. Baseball hats, especially Burberry ones (bizarrely) are highly prized, as is cheap and tacky gold jewellery and expensive sports shoes. No Ned is truly complete without his bottle of fortified wine and a packet of fags (fortunately these assist in keeping the Ned population manageable by killing them off at an early age - alas they breed at an even earlier age). The nasal whine, inability to communicate above the level of a mentally impaired four year old child and a posture which indicates the Ned has yet to fully master the rudiments of upright locomotion are all trademarks of the Ned (anthropological classification Homo Schemiescumitus Neddius).Those who still don't believe in evolution - look upon the Ned, for he illustrates perfectly one of the much earlier, less evolved hominids than modern homo sapiens.
So should the term be banned because, as Red Rosie says, it is derogatory? Indeed not I say - in fact this section of our society requires more degrading. Rosie obviously hasn’t had to deal with these little Kappa-clad, foul-mouthed monsters coming into her bookstore and stealing Irvine Welsh books for someone to read to them and giving the bookseller torrents of abuse and threats.
I am prepared, in a conciliatory move, to use alternative terms however. Schemie scum is one I will gladly use. Poor White Trash, wee sleekit bastards, Cro-Magnon… Although the title I’d prefer for them is a series of numbers and letters - the type you are given in prison. When will the government see sense and simply arrest all the people who wear shell suits and Burberry baseball hats? We could cut crime by 60% over night. Meanwhile, Rosie, try getting on with doing some of the serious bloody work you were elected to do and stop arsing about defending these wee gobshites.
FLYING PIGS RETURN FROM IRAQ
No. 671 Squadron, Royal Air Force - better known as the famous Flying Pigs - have returned from their tour of duty in Iraq. The Flying Pigs are, of course, most famous for their daring missions during World War Two and the Falklands.
671 were formed from a group of volunteer porkers during the Second World War from a covert animal section of SOE (Special Operations Executive). They began as commando-trained infiltrators, dropping into occupied Europe to assist the resistance groups and sabotage Nazi war efforts. Following on from this these gallant British porkers were trained in advanced piloting and air navigation, forming their own special squadron, 671 Squadron. The Flying Pigs carried out many secret missions over occupied Europe, including eating all of Heinrich Himmler’s truffles, crapping in Hitler’s slippers and pinning down Rommel’s armoured divisions to stop them attacking the D-Day landing forces.
The Flying Pigs operated in all theatres of the war except in the Jewish part of Palestine. During the Falklands 671 flew in under radar to attack Argentinean airbases. Half RAF and half SAS these modern attack-porkers instilled terror in the hearts of the Argentine forces, who dreaded the snort in the night. General Galtieri had all pigs in Argentina interned for the duration in case some were undercover members of 671 or else sympathetic to them (671 had flown in an out of occupied France, Denmark and Norway during WWII using the contacts they had established in local farms). Regardless of our views on the morality of the recent war, we salute the members of 671 Squadron who have once more carried out their duties for their country and honoured the memories of those pigs who went before them.
No. 671 Squadron, Royal Air Force - better known as the famous Flying Pigs - have returned from their tour of duty in Iraq. The Flying Pigs are, of course, most famous for their daring missions during World War Two and the Falklands.
671 were formed from a group of volunteer porkers during the Second World War from a covert animal section of SOE (Special Operations Executive). They began as commando-trained infiltrators, dropping into occupied Europe to assist the resistance groups and sabotage Nazi war efforts. Following on from this these gallant British porkers were trained in advanced piloting and air navigation, forming their own special squadron, 671 Squadron. The Flying Pigs carried out many secret missions over occupied Europe, including eating all of Heinrich Himmler’s truffles, crapping in Hitler’s slippers and pinning down Rommel’s armoured divisions to stop them attacking the D-Day landing forces.
The Flying Pigs operated in all theatres of the war except in the Jewish part of Palestine. During the Falklands 671 flew in under radar to attack Argentinean airbases. Half RAF and half SAS these modern attack-porkers instilled terror in the hearts of the Argentine forces, who dreaded the snort in the night. General Galtieri had all pigs in Argentina interned for the duration in case some were undercover members of 671 or else sympathetic to them (671 had flown in an out of occupied France, Denmark and Norway during WWII using the contacts they had established in local farms). Regardless of our views on the morality of the recent war, we salute the members of 671 Squadron who have once more carried out their duties for their country and honoured the memories of those pigs who went before them.
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